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Mariners Lose the Game While We Collectively Lose Our Minds

Congrats to whoever bet the over. Jerks.

Seattle Mariners v Kansas City Royals
This photo isn’t from today’s game, but it definitely could’ve been.
Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images

This game doesn’t deserve a fun, witty title about how the Mariners channeled their inner Proclaimers and decided to walk 500 batters, no, this game deserves none of that.

Nor does this game deserve a playful vibe because we reached 69 losses. I’m not even going to emphasis the fact that I used the word “vibe.”

No. This game deserves nothing.

One, big, fat, pile of absolutely nothing.

And that’s how I feel writing the game up, which to readers who watched the game, can understand why. But I will pull those who chose to avert their eyes through this recap of a game. Although I warn you, there are much better things you could be doing with your evening. For example, literally anything else.

Robbie Ray: winner of flow and anthem stand-offs.

Complimentary Water and Chips

I’m going to chose to break this game up as if it were a meal. Because I’m starving. Like the Mariners should be for a win.

Before the game even began, our man with the “80-grade flow” and a shiny trophy from last year competed in a rigorous contest of “who can stay on the field longer” between himself and former teammate Luke Weaver.

I’m proud to announce that it was our guy that took home the imaginary W...along with getting tossed from the game. But hey, it was an off-day for him so there wasn’t much harm to be done there.

Seattle Mariners v Kansas City Royals
This game blows.
Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images

Appetizer (Crab Rangoons)

Like a meal that starts with the delicious accompaniment of fake crab and cream cheese, this game had the beginnings of something promising.

After J.P. Crawford led off with an out, Ty France followed it up with a solidly stroked double into the left-center gap and eventually reached third on a wild pitch. However, the inning ended after Haniger and Santana both served up some saucy outs.

Newly-extended righty Luis Castillo took the mound of Seattle and gave us two quick strikeouts and an easy ground out. Inning over.

To be frank, this inning gave me a feeling of hope. Not absolution, but hope. We reached off a Ty France double and Castillo fanned two to start the game. The ingredients were there, could we put it together?

Autumn weather Sep 23rd 2022 Photo by Ben Birchall/PA Images via Getty Images

First Round of Drinks (Bartender didn’t muddle fruit in your Old Fashioned)

You might be wondering why a random woman on a park bench is being featured in our game recap today. Reader, it’s because today was basically a day to lay in the outfield, pop on some Dollar Store sunnies, and bake away like Betty Crocker at HempFest.

The sun was not our friend today and we learned that in the 2nd inning when Taylor Trammell (sweet, summer child, Taylor Trammell) lost the ball in the sun and allowed what would become Kansas City’s first run to reach base.

We at Lookout Landing do not control the sun and could not help out in this moment. Nor would we. That would mean we’d have to knowingly and willingly put ourselves in Missouri.

Before Trammell’s sun mishap (we totally get it, he’s a professional athlete for the Twiglight Baseball Club) we did score a run from what would be Jesse Winker’s first of two HBPs of the day.

So while our Old Fashioned did not have muddled fruit, we can excuse it this once.

MLB: Seattle Mariners at Kansas City Royals Jay Biggerstaff-USA TODAY Sports

Second Round of Drinks (Old Fasioned, no muddled fruit, added fruit fly)

The one redeeming moment from the 3rd inning was Trammell’s Redemption Catch, seen in the photo above.

That’s it.

Kansas City scored again off a Vinnie Pasquantino RBI double before the game was sent to the 5th frame where things were supposed to be the nail in coffin for the Royals, courtesy of their “pitching” “staff.”

MLB: Seattle Mariners at Kansas City Royals
This is the man that would set off the most annoying couple innings of baseball.
Jay Biggerstaff-USA TODAY Sports

Main Course (Fresh, steaming pile of WTF)

You read that right. The restaurant you’re dining at tonight serves WTF. It’s like a grab bag. Go with it.

In a half inning that saw 13 batters, the Kansas City Royals gave up 6 HBPs/walks, including Jesse Winker’s 2nd HBP of the afternoon which took him out of the game. Nearly half of the men who reached base weren’t supposed to be there. And to Seattle’s credit, they were all brought home. After it was all said and done, the Mariners went from losing 2-1 to winning 9-2. Not a bad inning.

This inning took so long (how long did it take!) that Luis Castillo served out the remaining years on his new contract with the team.

No, I’m lying, but it did take 3 Royals pitchers to tame the beast of the West (sounds better when they’re from the East) before the Mariners were finally retired for the inning. After a quick 1-2-3 bottom of the 5th, Seattle was right back up to bat.

Seven Mariners batters came up in the 6th inning, but only two could score before the frame was over for the away team.

Remember how Seattle sent 13 batters to the plate in the 5th? Amateur hour compared to the Royals 6th when 14 batters came to the plate. But only 5 of those were from walks. The others were earned, so, we made them work.

Which means nothing. I’m just salty. Mega salty. Like, a-low-sodium-diet-is-never-touching-my-lips-level-of-salty. Why? Because that lead the Mariners worked so, so hard to grow in the 5th and 6th inning was erased. Yes, erased.

11-2 suddenly became 13-11. All in one inning worth of baseball.

The Mariners would get one of those runs back, but it wasn’t enough.

Four pitchers. Five walks. Four singles. Three extra base hits.

MLB: Seattle Mariners at Kansas City Royals
Yeah, we know.
Jay Biggerstaff-USA TODAY Sports

No Dessert (We didn’t behave well)

Today’s showing was the perfect way to cap off a horrible road trip.

Three series losses to three sub-.500 teams while losing two of our biggest hitters.

If there’s a Baseball G-d out there, I beg you, please, please, don’t poison the next few games for us.