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Hungover Mariners craft dubious breakfast of meatballs and malaise sauce, yak all over again in 9-2 loss

The stars are stacked against ya gang you better get back in bed.

MLB: Baltimore Orioles at Seattle Mariners
this was a catch
Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

I will begin what little I have to say on this game with a plaudit for the Baltimore Orioles. Bird Land brought their A-game, with an aggressive approach that exploited an atypically wild outing from Seattle Mariners starter George Kirby who simply could not reel things in. Of the five home runs Baltimore clubbed Monday night, only Adley Rutschman’s wall-scraper could be levied with an accusation of cheapness. They were meatballs, served loose and in a viscous bath recently dumped from a knock-off Chef Boyardee can labeled “Cook Monsieurdeux”, slopped upon a paper plate by a Mariners club that was still ceding half the morning to last night’s events. As those meatballs were suddenly devoured by Orioles hitters, Seattle was left to fend for themselves on the scraps, and they could not rise to the challenge.

Kirby’s command was off from the jump, and he did not work a single scoreless frame. He alternated his time in the heart of the plate or far from it entirely, and the Orioles punished him at every turn. Though he yielded just a single walk and a hit by pitch, his options seemed limited to “fastball down the middle” or “fastball down the middle of one of the batter’s boxes”. Baltimore punished nearly every mistake while erasing all margin for error on the defensive side. This included multiple spectacular plays from center fielder Cedric Mullins. While Julio Rodríguez had an extraordinary few plays of his own in center, a bloop single dropping between him and Jesse Winker in left in the second inning set the tone well for the game that Seattle was too deep into their crapulence to flip the script.

Cal Raleigh made the longest stride, cracking a window and unfurling a window shade with the futile bravery of a soldier ant brandishing its mandibles against a lawnmower. His fifth inning home run was the most positive offensive action on the day by a Mariners player in terms of Win Probability Added, but it merely drew the score back to 7-1. By the time the RA showed up and pitched three innings of one-run ball to help clean up the joint, Tommy Milone managed to earn himself the highest WPA on the day, a badge of honor for his merciful expediency.

With this flushed from their system, hopefully Seattle can realign their spirits, drink some water and get some electrolytes in them, and chart a course for some starchy foods and better performances in all phases of the game tomorrow. Now please stop talking so loud and pass that trash can over here.