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Mariners crack case of who killed the season, beat Angels 4-3

fishy business down in Anaheim

MLB: Game Two-Los Angeles Angels at Seattle Mariners
the murder in question, one week ago
Steven Bisig-USA TODAY Sports

Good afternoon, Mr. Trout. Do you mind if I come in? I’m sorry to bother you. I’m a terrible nuisance, I know. I just need your help with one little thing and then I’ll get out of your hair. You see, there’s just some details that bother me.

See, it’s about the Seattle Mariners. They’re a baseball team, you know, and last weekend they got beat up pretty bad in a five game series. They lost four of those games. And I’m just trying to work out who did it. Now, I know you say that you were too busy touring the city for Father’s Day, but I want to look into it nonetheless. Oh, I see you have Michael Lorenzen pitching. You mind if I take a seat?

Oh this seat is lovely. Your home really is quite welcoming. See. there’s this guy I wanted to talk to you about. Shohei Ohtani, I think his name was. My wife was telling me all about this guy last night. He’s some kinda two-way player, or something. Supposedly the guy can both pitch and hit really well.

Now, I don’t know much about this sort of thing, but my wife, she loves it. She tells me that this kind of player only comes along once in a blue moon. Did you know that he had an 8 RBI game immediately followed by a game where he struck out 13 batters? Crazy stuff, that. But of course you knew that, you’re his teammate after all, Mr. Trout. Did I tell you how comfy this Lorenzen guy is?

I can tell Lorenzen has had a lot of use, though. Maybe it’s time we move on.

Anyway, for a long time I was thinking, “Man this Ohtani guy, he sure seems like the real deal. Surely he’s responsible for that losing series.” And yeah, he did pitch a great game to start the series. But wouldn’t you know it, this season the Mariners have held him to 3 hits in 21 PAs. Isn’t that something? So then I got to thinking about who else it could be. And that’s when it hit me.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Some guys really have that wow factor, you know what I’m saying? Guys who really terrorize pitchers.

Now my nephew was telling me all about this Julio Rodriguez character. A real fun guy he tells me. I mean, here look at this.

Don’t you just love that, sir? I mean, it certainly puts a smile on my face, at least.

Oh the manager? Well I suppose you could blame Mr. Servais, but then again, I’m a homicide detective, not a suicide detective. And besides, I really don’t think its the right thing to do.

No, sir, I think this was murder. In fact, I’m certain of it.

But where was I? Oh, yeah.

Boy it sure seems like your team could use some better throwing in the outfield.

But that’s none of my business.

I will say, these Mariners sure do have a problem with leaving runners on base. Did you know that they stranded 16 runners tonight? Crazy, huh? Can’t imagine that feels good.

Now, sir, I know you say you were busy with your Father’s Day celebration, but that didn’t really sit right with me. You see, we have you on tape in T-Mobile park on the days of the murder. Multiple angles and all.

That’s crazy, you say? The killer wouldn’t have done it with 4 game winning home runs? Then how would they have done it?

“Why, Lieutenant, he would have done it with a weird, airbending triple over the centerfielder’s head.”

I see, something like what you hit tonight?

You know, the thing about this job is that they always give themselves up. I often wonder why that is. Oh, please don’t try to run. Sergeants Muñoz and Sewald have the building locked down.

I’m afraid, Mr. Trout, we’re going to have to place you under arrest for the murder of the 2022 Seattle Mariners. But before you go, there’s just one more thing I’d like to show you. If you could walk to first, please. You’ll get a better view.

Now, sir. If you don’t mind I really must be getting home to Mrs. Columbo. The sergeants will escort you out. Have a lovely evening.