I know what you’re going to say. You took one look at the box score and thought “dang, of all the games to be radio only why’d it have to be this one.” And I get it! The game was exciting on the radio broadcast. Julio homered, Jarred homered, DMo homered! Normally for a recap of a game like that we’d just attach some clips, gawk at the bombs, and call it a day. The fact that there was no TV for this game makes that a bit more difficult. It does, however, give us (by which I mean ME) an opportunity to talk about something very near and dear to my heart.
Some of you are no doubt familiar with the Cultural Event that is Internet League Blaseball. For those of you that don’t, allow me to endeavor on the fool's errand of describing it. Blaseball is like the sport of Baseball, yet completely digital, more democratic, and infinitely more horrifying.
Just by looking at the team names, you can tell that something is off with blaseball. Some team names are straightforward, such as the Baltimore Crabs, the Chicago Firefighters, or the Houston Spies (hilariously, the Spies’ slogan is “Bang BANG”).
Other teams are a bit more surreal. The Hellmouth Sunbeams, for example, used to the Moab Sunbeams, however once the Forbidden Book was opened, the Hellmouth swallowed the town, sparing only the blaseball stadium. The Unlimited Tacos used to be based in Los Angeles, yet spacetime tore open over the city, creating infinite cities all stacked on top of each other.
But what does participating in this Cultural Event actually look like? And most importantly, how does it relate to the Mariners??? Following Blaseball simulates being a baseball fan, something that I’m sure some of you are familiar with. Fans pick their favorite teams, and can use the fake blaseball currency (coins) to influence their favorite team’s future. The way you get more coins is by betting on the outcomes of future games, which are played at the top of each hour.
The game’s results are based on the stats of the various digital players. For every pitch, those stats are crunched through a random number generator, which then spits out a result. Watching a blaseball game is a bit like watching an Out of the Park Baseball game, or watching a real life baseball game through MLB Gameday or At-Bat. Or even, listening to one on the radio.
Which brings us to tonight’s recap of the matchup between the Seattle Garages and the Kansas City Breath Mints.
The day got off to a hot start to the Garages, with new bat Julio Rodriguez singling off Breath Mints pitcher Daniel Lynch in the first inning. Abraham Toro, who joined the Garages in a reverb event with the Houston Spies, moved Rodriguez to second base with a single of his own. Luis Torrens, who’s vibes are Very Good, hit yet another single to score Rodriguez and give the Garages an early lead. Unfortunately, Jarred Kelenic grounded into a double play to end the inning.
Pitching for the Garages was young pitcher Logan Gilbert. Gilbert was brought onto the team after the tragic incineration of Taijuan Walker by a rogue umpire. Gilbert’s low Ruthlessness stat lead to him walking the first batter he faced, but his high Overpowerment meant that he only allowed light contact for the rest of the inning. He struck out Carlos Santana to turn the inning into an outing.
In the bottom of the second, the Breath Mints should have gone down in order, but Torrens was unfamiliar with playing at first base, and lost a high pop up in the light of Sun .1. The very next pitch, the batter, Michael Taylor. tied it up on a solo home run, a sharp line drive that proves his high Divinity.
Nothing happened for the Garages in the top of the third, but in the bottom the Breath Mints got a rally going. Shenanigans happened and the Mints plated two as Gilbert struggled to get batters out. He got Dozier out swinging, and Perez got hung up between 3rd and home, eventually getting tagged out by Toro. Gilbert was then Temporarily Replaced by Wyatt Mills, who walked Taylor and then got Nicky Lopez to line out.
The fourth inning is when things got fun for the Garages. Torrens homered in the 4th, Julio, who’s vibes are Immaculate, homered in the 5th, and Jarred homered in the 6th. All of them were no-doubt bombs that got out of the park faster than they were pitched. In the top of the 7th, Julio doubled down the third base line to score Cesar Izturis Jr from first. Unfortunately, this is when the Breath Mints decided to have some fun of their own.
In the bottom of the 7th, Cam Gallagher hit a solo homer. After Garages pitcher Devin Sweet induced a groundout and then struck out Jake Means, he did something that Garages fans are no doubt familiar with. He hit a batter. Robbie Glendinning is now unstable.
For those of you who don’t know, once famed Garages pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers returned from the dead thanks to a blessing, she had a debt to repay. A debt that could only be played in lives. She started hitting batters, making them unstable. Unstable batters are much more likely to be incinerated by Rogue Umpires during Eclipse weather. And once they are, that instability can pass to another batter. The Hades Tigers and Canada Moist Talkers famously lost several players each in a single game thanks to the Unstability. We can only hope and pray to the Giant Peanut that such a fate doesn’t befall the Breath Mints.
After Eaton and O’Hearn both singled, the latter scoring Glendinning, Sweet caught a break when Olivares lined out to Dylan Moore.
Who promptly launched a three run shot over the centerfield wall the very next inning.
Yet in the bottom of the eighth, there was trouble brewing for the Garages. The Mints scored three runs off a triple, walk, sac fly, and three singles. With runners on the corners with two outs, it was down to Erik Swanson to prove that he is a Credit To The Team. Which he did by getting Ryan O’Hearn to groundout to turn the inning to an outing.
After Gabriel Gonzalez led off the ninth with a homer, there was nothing doing for the Garages. In the bottom of the ninth, Chris Jefferson buckled down and got the Breath Mints to go in order, capping off the game with a swinging strikeout from Emmanuel Rivera.
Breath Mints 8
The favored Garages won the game.
Robbie Glendinning is Unstable.
If you had bet on the Breath Mints to win, I’m sorry, you’re out of luck. At least it could be worse. This could have happened to you.
If you bet on the Garages, hurray! You now have more coins than you started with! You can use them to buy votes for the elections at the end of the week. Will you vote for the decree to add a fourth base that overperforming teams will have to run past? Or will you vote to
Open the Forbidden Book? Perhaps you will spend your votes to enter a raffle for your favorite team to get a blessing.
The best way to participate in watching blaseball is similar to the best way to participate in watching baseball (which is, of course, hanging out right here on Lookout Landing). The blaseball community is incredibly active, artistic, and creative. The Seattle Garages even have their own band, and they put out incredible stuff like the Mike Townsend Trilogy (each word is a new song, listen to hear a story of redemption and sacrifice).
Blaseball is currently on hiatus, but will return sometime this year. I’ll be tweeting like crazy about it, and I’ll make sure that it gets added to the Mariner Moose Tracks post when it does, so you won’t miss it. Until then, look into blaseball history a little bit. There are some great stories in the blaseball world, such as the time a pitching machine turned scab when the Tacos pitchers went on strike.
Or you can stay right here and watch the Seattle Mariners with us. The great thing about this team is that they’re more blaseball than baseball, providing us with an endless amount of weird stories and weird sports. And isn’t that what life’s all about?