People love a good theme. Bringing folks together to celebrate a commonality is as American as getting violently ill from Fireball or Hypnotiq at your first college party — memorable and sure to be the topic of conversation for at least the next several months to come, maybe even years later in a work Slack channel.

Last month I wrote about the Mariners 2022 Promotional Schedule - so what’s this?

This, my friend (we’re friends now), is a review of the 2022 Theme Nights which are very, very similar. The main difference is you have to buy a special ticket to be a part of these eXcLuSiVe events.

Look below and you’ll see I divided the Theme Nights into five separate categories, those being:

• Recurring Nights (I can’t be the only person that thought this word was “re-occuring”)
• Pop Culture Nights
• Player Centric Nights
• Here is a Clothe Nights
• We’re Celebrating Something Nights

This time around I won’t be providing a rating of these nights, but rather giving you the dirty details, a link to purchase the tickets, commentary on the event, and finally a personal suggestion on how it can be improved.

Lettuce begin.

Recurring Nights

Photo by Lindsey Wasson/Getty Images

Bark at the Park Nights

Game(s): May 9 vs. PHI; June 27 vs. BAL; August 23 vs. WSH; September 28 vs. TEX

Ticket Type: Specially priced $30 View Level Dog Pack (includes a human AND a dog ticket) when you purchase through their special offer. Dogs must have a ticket through the dog pack.

Collectible: Limited-edition Bark at the Park Mariners-themed item

Bark in the Park is the Honda CRV of MLB theme nights. It’s timeless, you know exactly what you’re getting, and if you hate it then you need to head back to the dealer to pick up a new attitude. For the low price of $30 you and your pupper/doggo can bring the dog park to the ballpark and revel in all the new butts to sniff. Bow WOW.

Shayggestion: Cat in the Park Night. The entire infield is changed from dirt to cat litter and the outfield grass is replaced with catnip. It’ll be chaotic and that’s just how cats like it.

Buy tickets to the Bark in the Park Nights here.

Hello Kitty Nights

Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Game(s): April 21 vs. TEX; September 13 vs. SD

Ticket Type: Specially priced $38 Main Level or $24 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer.

Collectible: Limited-edition Hello Kitty Fleece Blanket (April 21); Limited-edition Hello Kitty Bobblehead (September 13)

Who needs Evan White when we have Kitty White*? For two nights this season the Mariners are offering a ticket special that will take you back to... whatever period of your life when you were obsessed with Hello Kitty.

*with all due respect to Evan White

Shayggestion: Let’s get weird with it and have all the ushers wear Hello Kitty outfits and only meow.

Buy tickets to the Hello Kitty Nights here.

Girls and Guys Nights

Game(s): August 5 vs. LAA (Girls); August 26 vs. CLE (Guys) (Ichiro HoF Weekend)

Ticket Type: Specially priced $40 Club Level or $40 Main Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition Girls/Guys Night Mariners-themed Hat

I’m going to be real with y’all, since we’re friends and all.

These nights aren’t it. What I imagine is an attempt by the marketing team to be “inclusive” ends up being just the opposite and fails to account for the fact that friendship, like anything, isn’t gendered.

On top of that, if the “Girls Night Out” is meant to create a welcoming space for a demographic that is often excluded, it’s a huge swing-and-miss beginning with the use of the term “girls.” Come on, y’all, “gals” is right there.

Shayggestion: My real suggestion is to not attend these games and instead take advantage of the many Value Night games the Mariners will have throughout the season, but my compromise is to change the name of the these gendered nights to “Pals Night Out.”

Buy tickets for Girls Night here and Guys Night here, I guess.

Pop Culture Nights

DC Comics Night

Photo by Daniel Knighton/FilmMagic

Game: May 6 vs. TB

Ticket Type: Specially priced $50 Club Level, $34 Main Level, or $22 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition Mariners-themed Batman Bobblehead

Well, well, well. It looks like the Mariners have taken a side in the bitter rivalry between DC and Marvel Comics. I double-dog-dare someone to show up in a Spiderman suit just to stir the pot.

Shayggestion: The batkids have to dress up as actual bats.

Buy tickets for DC Night here.

Top Gun Maverick Day

Game: May 29 vs. HOU

Ticket Type: Specially priced $35 Main Level or $23 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition Mariners-themed Top Gun T-Shirt

The press tour for the brand new Top Gun Maverick film continues in the likeliest of venues...a baseball game. Come celebrate Tom Cruise’s newest income source to fund his Scientology habits flick during this Memorial Day Weekend days-ball game.

Shayggestion: If you attend this baseball game you are required to do airplane arms and zoom through the concourse yelling WOOOOOOOOOOOSH

Buy tickets for Bottom Pistol Day here.

Star Wars Night

Photo by Stephen Brashear/Getty Images

Game: June 17 vs. LAA

Ticket Type: Specially priced $50 Club Level, $38 Main Level or $26 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition Star Wars™ Night Mariners-themed bobblehead (the Marcolorian)

Ben Van Houten/Mariners

Okay, this is where I admit that I’m not a Star Wars fan. I don’t dislike it, but I also can’t say that I like it. What I can say is Jar-Jar Binks captured my heart from a very young age and he deserves some respect on his name.

Shayggestion: Batkids dressed as Ewoks. Who says no.

Join the Jedi Force and/or the Dark Side here.

Margaritaville Night

Game: September 10 vs. ATL

Ticket Type: Specially priced $57 Club Level, $36 Main Level or $24 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer.

Collectible: Limited-edition Mariners-themed Hawaiian T-Shirt.

I think that September might just be enough time for Nick Margevicius to have a solid return to AAA and for at least...two of our relievers to need to hit the IL at the same time and when this inevitably happens the Mariners should 1,000,000% make the choice to change the Theme Night to Nick Margevitaville Night.

Shayggestion: Instead of chanting “K! K! K! K!” when our pitchers are working a two-strike count, the fans should chant “Salt! Salt! Salt! Salt!”

Buy tickets and get shwasty here.

Player-Centric Nights

South of France Night

Game: May 27 vs. HOU

Ticket Type: Specially priced $36 Main Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition South of France Mariners-themed Ty France Tye Dye T-Shirt and baguette

The Mariners are going to play this Ty France Night up as much as they can and we’re going to like it. And to be honest, a baguette is truly one of the most superior types of bread so I’m not mad. I’d be even more not mad if they added a little bit of brie.

Shayggestion: I have a few. One, switch the date of the Theme Night to July 10th because that’s our closest possible home game to July 14th and the 233rd Ann’y of the Storming of the Bastille. Two, turn the post game into a French Revolution reenactment and we, the fans, storm a huge re-creation of the Bastille.

Buy tickets here, hon, hon, hon.

To Be Announced

I’m almost positive the Mariners Marketing team will develop another player-centric Theme Night before the end of the season. Vote and tell me which player you think it’ll be based upon. Extra points if you tell me in the comments what that night will be like.

Here is a Clothe Nights

Love Your Melon Night

Seattle Mariners

Game: September 9 vs. ATL

Ticket Type: Specially priced $59 Club Level, $43 Main Level or $31 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition Mariners-themed Love Your Melon Beanie.

I love this Theme Night. Love Your Melon was founded in 2012 by two friends at the University of St. Thomas in Minnesota who wanted to create a lasting impact for children living with pediatric cancer. Half of the proceeds for each beanie are donated to non-profit organizations that focus on pediatric cancer research. Why am I cryin’ in the club T-Mobile Park?

Shayggestion: The team should give a section-worth of tickets to Seattle Children’s Hospital and do spotlights on the kiddos.

Buy tickets for this A+ event here.

Flannel Night

Game: September 27 vs. TEX

Ticket Type: Specially priced $44 Main Level or $32 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition Mariners-themed Flannel

Talk about knowing your audience! As a QueerLady™ I may have to make the trip from Rhode Island just to snag another flannel for my collection.

Shayggestion: Make this the same night as LGBTQ Pride Night...cowards.

Buy tickets for unofficial Pride Night here.

We’re Celebrating Something Nights

Class of 2022 Graduation Night

Photo by Otto Greule/Getty Images

Game: June 18 vs. LAA

Ticket Type: Specially priced $30 Main Level or $18 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition Mariners-themed Class of 2022 T-Shirt

Whether you’re a high school grad, a college grad, or a puppy school grad (I don’t think that actually counts), you deserve to be celebrated! And if you’re a Class of 2012 grad like me, well, this is just a cruel reminder that we’re getting old.

Shayggestion: Add a Reunion Night where the team invites the Classes of ‘12, ‘02, ‘92,...

Buy tickets for your grad here.

Christmas in July Night

Photo by Mark Cunningham/MLB Photos via Getty Images

Game: July 25 vs. TEX

Ticket Type: Specially priced $37 Main Level or $27 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition Mariners-themed Ugly Sweater T-Shirt

One look at my name (Shaina Weintraub) and you’ll see that I’m Jewish, meaning I’ve spent all 28 of my years (even the early ones, yes) asking myself where the f*ck the menorah is every time I see a Christmas Tree in public. Like the girls/guys’ nights out, this isn’t an inclusive theme night, although it wouldn’t be so hard to make it so (see below). Also, when was it generally decided that we needed to celebrate the most capitalistic of all holidays twice a year—once seems more than enough.

Shayggestion: Instead of celebrating one holiday, make a Theme Night where the fans can celebrate every major holiday that takes place in the off-season. Look, a new use for all those turkey legs they probably still have hanging around the ballpark.

Buy tickets to get your Actually a Pagan Holiday in July fix here.

Oktoberfest Night

Game: October 1 vs. OAK

Ticket Type: Specially priced $60 Club Level, $48 Main Level or $34 View Level tickets when you purchase through their special offer

Collectible: Limited-edition commemorative beer stein and drink voucher

Best part about the MLB regular season getting pushed back to October? Oktoberfest, duh! Raise a stein with your German and non-German friends but make sure you eat before the game so you don’t get too shwasted.

Shayggestion: Have an ample amount of Wurst carts around the stadium for everyone to get their German Sausage fill.

Buy tickets but not your lederhosen here.

So, you goin’?

Do you plan on hitting up any of these Theme Nights this year? Tell us in the comments which Nights you’re looking forward to and how you would add your own little spin.