Shivering Mariners claim “Chicago is treating us well” in shaky video from puddle at Guaranteed Rate Field

“All is well,” claimed J.P. Crawford, staring slightly off-center to the camera for some reason, “there is no reason for alarm.”

The shortstop for the Seattle Mariners brushed raindrops off his brow for the first of a few dozen times throughout the clearly phone-recorded clip delivered to media outlets via Chicago White Sox PR. He squinted as though perhaps attempting to perceive something in the distance, and continued.

“Despite h-hateful and bogus reports that playing tonight’s game was a-an ill-advised mandate by the W-White Sox to get this matchup in n-no matter how poorly they prepared their field to h-host professional baseball, I can assure you there is no-NO validity! We all agreed with Mr. La Russa when we saw the 45 minute stretch where the weather people said “light rain” and he said ‘Back in the 70s we played most of our games in 45 minutes, I don’t see an issue at all.’”

At this point the camera shifted downward briefly before refocusing, with a muffled voice from the camera operator that seemed to call to Crawford with urgency. Seattle’s shortstop responded with seeming alarm.

“Okay okay! Put Haniger down, he didn’t do anything! (quietly) I mean he really didn’t... Sorry sorry! Ehrm, oh, yeah. Speaking on behalf of our starter Robbie Ray, there were no issues with the field in the second inning, and he would like me to relay under no duress or threats to his life that the mound was in excellent shape all night, and particularly in the second inning.

There were no issues that could have been addressed by the Chicago grounds crew in the midst of that bottom of the second, when Chicago scored four of their six runs, including three on a wild pitch, a pair of groundball “singles”, and a ball to me that a deep fake video edit on the broadcast made me look like my feet slid a foot or two in the mudd-DRY INFIELD DIRT dry infield dirt.”

Crawford’s eyes seem to dart to the side quickly for a moment, then he appears to mouth “I’m sorry” to the camera, before continuing to speak at a more frantic pace.

“uh, uh, yeah, anyway, all is well here in Chicago, tomorrow’s game should be great. We scored four runs tonight after all, we only lost by two! Everyone had fun, right guys? You can hear them laughing I’m sure ha ha ha oh uhh France hit a bomb! That was great! Everyone loved that! First inning too, when it was still dry... LIKE IT WAS ALL GAME YES, OKAY YES LET TORO GO! Yes it’s true that we got our runs in some fluky ways too that we have no right to complain, and both the median and mode rainfall during the game were closer to zero inches per hour than they were to six! No, no Scott don’t do i-”

The video ended there, leaving us all curious about what exactly transpired Wednesday evening in Chicago. Tony La Russa, Scott Servais, and all members of the Seattle Mariners roster and travel party could not immediately be reached for comment.