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Mariners entranced by Target, lose 10-4

Who among us hasn’t dropped a cool 10 runs at Target before?

MLB: Seattle Mariners at Minnesota Twins Nick Wosika-USA TODAY Sports

Everyone knows that you don’t go to Target on a Sunday afternoon knowing what you’re going to get, it tells you what you’re going to get. Why would the Mariners taking a trip to Target Field be any different?

Monica, don’t look at the credit card statement.

Our sweet, sweet Marco fell for the oldest trick in the book. Going into Target with a plan. You can’t go into Target with a plan. Why? Because the moment you see the bargain bin aisle the second you walk through the front door you’re doomed. Marco had a plan for all of three pitches until he caught the eye of the shiny $5 home decor and, well, you know what happens next.

Injury-plagued Byron Buxton hopped all over Marco before our former #1 could even grab a shopping cart. He didn’t even have time to grab the sanitizer wipe for the shopping cart. Grody.

Marco seemed to regain his composure with the next batter when he struck out Carlos Correa, setting himself up for an inning he could get back.

That is, until he saw the $1 part of the bargain bin and gave up back-to-back singles to Jorge Polanco and Gio Urshela. Those $1 tchotchkes will get you every single time, I swear.

Miguel Sanó came to the plate and hit a 103.2mph laser towards New Guy™ Jesse Winker in LF which set Marco up for getting out of this inning fairly unscathed. Maybe a trip to Target won’t come completely unraveled after the first 5 minutes. Maybe.

Nope, you’re doomed, my dude.

Adam Frazier made his first error as a Mariner, putting Alex Kirilloff on first base and having Urshela advance to 2nd and Polanco to 3rd. Good thing Gary (I’m-Gonna-Bat-Flip-A-Fly-Out) Sánchez was due up next. In this instance Sánchez is basically a “Caution: Wet Floor” sign at the end of the bargain bin that’ll get you out of the trance you’ve been put in. You didn’t navigate yourself out of the situation because of your willpower, it was because of the accident in front of you.

Bad news: Marco didn’t proceed with caution and slipped harder than a very slippery slip.

I don’t know what a Gary Slammy is, but it hurts my feelings.

Marco was able to get out of the inning two batters later, but 5 runs too late. To say the Target Bargain Bin section hit him hard would be an understatement. For example, these are the exit-velos on all the balls in play from the Twins’ side of the inning:

Five EVs over 100mph? In this economy?

After a top of the 2nd that saw Eugenio Suárez almost get his first home run as a Mariner, which, not for nothing, would’ve been a home run in any other park.

Marco was ready to get back out there, tackle MIN from the top of their lineup, and make up for the First Inning From Hell™.

Ha ha ha, shit. Our guy’s still putting stuff in his cart (stat line) that he absolutely does not need.

But! It’s never too late to turn things around and thankfully we’ve got Mitchell Haniger to pick us up when we’re down.

Alright, so the Mariners were able to put one item back that they had placed in their cart. We’re getting there. Maybe bringing in our friend Matt Festa to pitch the next inning will prove a frugal decision?

Two strikeouts to start looks like a good sign for Matt. Things are looking good.

Son of a bi-, we’ve reached the fun sock part of Target and just had to grab a pair a pair and put it in the basket. Not only that but now our kid isn’t listening and Uncle Jesse is mad.

Y’all, it doesn’t look like this is going to be what us white girls call a successful shopping trip. But actually, I have no idea what that even means.

It’s only the 4th inning and it’s not time to give up yet, though.

Okay, maybe it is. It appears that the Mariners have hit the book section of Target and just had to pick up that latest Rupi Kaur collection of poems.


Welp, now I’m misty-eyed. That one might be worth being down by thi-

Damnit. The team found the video game section.

Look, I get it. Target is so, so, so tempting, but you guys really need to control yourselves. It’s not like John Stanton is made of money. Wait.

Ugh, fine, go crazy. Just don’t forget to use the credit card so we can get points.