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Mariners invite everyone to Disneyland, Splash Mountain spontaneously combusts

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nothing was beautiful and everything hurt

MLB: Seattle Mariners at Los Angeles Angels Robert Hanashiro-USA TODAY Sports

The Mariners, needing every win they can get, lost to the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim 14-1. The only bright side here is that every loss only counts as one loss in the standings, though by all rights this one ought to count for at least 3 or 4.

Tyler Anderson failed to adjust when it became clear that the Angels were attacking every pitch that even pricked the strike zone, and doing so successfully. Yohan Ramirez came in to clean things up a bit and instead dug the hole far deeper. Justus threw 15 straight balls and walked a runner in. The offense grounded into 3 double plays.

In the words of Gary Hill, Jr. and Rick Rizzs,

GH: “Is this really happening?”

RR: “Unfortunately.”

Unfortunately, indeed, Rick. There were, at best, two promising performances tonight (Doolittle and Raleigh), but not quite promising enough to go into detail here.

In lieu of any further recapping, here are some adjectives to describe every Mariner’s performance. (Hint: most of them are negative)

Pitching staff:

Tyler Anderson: Fulminatory (loudly and/or violently explosive)

Yohan Ramirez: Irksome (exasperating; tiresome)

Justus Sheffield: Vexing (distressing; worrisome)

Eric Swanson: Unpalatable (unpleasant to the taste)

Sean Doolittle: Sterling (admirable, high quality)

Matt Andriese: Inconsequential (of little or no importance; insignificant; trivial)

Position players:

Cal Raleigh: Auspicious (promising success; propitious)

JP Crawford: Scant (not abundant; almost inadequate)

Kyle Seager, Abraham Toro, Mitch Haniger, Jake Fraley: Paltry (ridiculously or insultingly small)

Ty France, Jarred Kelenic, Luis Torrens, Jake Bauers, Dylan Moore: Execrable (utterly detestable; abominable; abhorrent)