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Wade Miley completes final undercover mission, provides distraction and relief as Mariners beat Rangers

You’re free Wade. You’re finally free.

It’s Friday night, baby! Time to hit exactly three baseballs and go to sleep.

The visitors’ clubhouse is dark and the shadows along the bearded man’s face stand out in the fluorescent light wavering in from the hallway. A tall, slim man steps out from the back corner of the room.

“Jesus, Jer. Y’scared the bejeesus outta me,” the bearded man drawls. “All this coat ‘n machete stuff is makin’ me feel like I’m back’n Loranger, sneakin’ round ‘fter curfew scareder’n a cat that’s found itself in a dog show.”

“My bad, my bad, Wade. We just need to make sure this stays quiet,” the other man murmurs, rocking back on his heels. “Listen, we love how you followed through on that undercover mission back in 2016, and we’re just about to the end now - but you’ve got one final task. Do this for us and we’ll call it even. Shouldn’t be too much trouble this season at all.”

“Jus’ one? Well shoot, reckon I can handle that. Whatsa deal?”


As has been the case for so many years, tonight’s Mariners game was scarcely the most interesting baseball game being played. It honestly wasn’t even the most interesting game being played within the Mariners’ organization. But in between the Logan Gilbert start, and the Wade Miley no-hitter, and Sean Manaea’s flirtation with perfection, and whatever happened in the Mets dugout, the Mariners beat the Rangers 5-4.

J.P. Crawford was the star of the night, with his first career start hitting fifth in the order and the ninth time that he’s recorded three or more hits in a game in his career - including his first home run of the season.

Kyle Lewis had a three-hit night of his own, and Dylan Moore checked in with another dinger, but by and large the rest of the offense remained...uninspiring. It’s still early days in the season, but I find myself dreading more than half of Seattle’s plate appearances in any given game.

Chris Flexen looked particularly hittable tonight, with a lot of hard contact echoing through the air at New Globe Life Incubator, but still managed to last six and a third innings. His 10 hits allowed, four earned runs and two strikeouts line was some Classic Flexen Balderdash, though he did also tie his name to some pretty good company.

Anthony Misiewicz covered nearly two innings of work seamlessly (albeit, sweatily), and Kendall Graveman continued to be lights-freakin’-out for the save.

And as the cherry on top of a rebound win, ‘ol Wade Miley chucked a no-hitter for the Reds, offering a reprieve from the embarassing 53 hours when the Mariners were the most recently no-hit team.