My name is Matthew. I have introduced myself to every single person I have ever met as Matthew. Still, some people take it upon themselves to give me the fun and creative nickname of Matt. I do not like it when people call me Matt. If I liked when people called me Matt, I would tell them my name is Matt, not Matthew.
Matt is a name for people who are either so mind-numbingly boring that having a second cup of coffee counts as risqué behavior for them, or it’s a guy who will try to sell you ketamine on a 10 am bus ride. Sadly, one of the only other in-betweens is professional baseball player.
According to my research, the Mariners have had 13 Matt/Matthews take the field for them across their storied history. Sadly for me, and people with good taste, all of them choose to go by Matt. A few of these people are so unremarkable that they either don’t have a Baseball-Reference photo, or the photo shows them wearing one of those unmarked, plain hats that you can also buy at the gas station.
You don’t know who this guy is. This guy barely knows who he is, what with that stock image of a hat and lame ass one syllable name. He is probably the Matt who had the least impact on the Mariners franchise, as he appeared in 15 games in 1996 and promptly pitched his way out the door.
I hope you recognize some of these other Matts. A few of them lasted for three or four years. Most, like so many Matts floating anonymously through other walks of life, seemed to fade into gray, shapeless memories. If your name is Matt, and you feel offended by this, feel free to pull up to my home address. We can fight in the street, if that’ll make you happy. I will lose.
While you think that means you “win”, the real victory’s been dangling in front of your eyes for your entire life. Three simple letters. H-E-W. See how much better that feels?