The top remaining free agents the Mariners should sign

Anyone. Literally anyone.

Look at all these choices! So many! So many choices! So many choices with which to spend their large amounts of money!

Nelson Cruz (goodbye 2/2)

Marcell Ozuna

Trevor Bauer

Rick Porcello

Jackie Bradley Jr.

Jonathan Schoop

Kolten Wong

Justin Turner

Maikel Franco

Kevin Pillar

Mitch Moreland (do not do this)

Tyler Anderson

Brad Miller (hello)

Tyler Clippard

Trevor Rosenthal

Rich Hill

Jedd Gyorko

Jake McGee

Mike Fiers

Jason Kipnis

Brett Gardner (still no)

Alex Colomé (hello)

Brett Anderson

Tommy Hunter

Taijuan Walker (hello)

Mikey Ajeto

Jake Arrieta

Joakim Soria

Adam Duvall

Tommy Milone (hello)

Justin Wilson

Yadier Molina

Matthew Roberson

Trevor Cahill

Tyler Flowers

Oliver Pérez

Renato Núñez

Shane Greene

Chaz Roe

Grant Bronsdon

Ryan Tepera

James Paxton (hello)

Nick Tropeano

C.J. Cron

Blake Parker

Mark Melancon

Cam Bedrosian

Joe Doyle

Joe Panik

Cameron Maybin (hello)

Nomar Mazara

Aníbal Sánchez

Marwin Gonzalez

Jeremy Jeffress

Jordan Zimmermann

Jeff Mathis

Tyler Thornburg

Travis Shaw

Chasen Shreve

Sergio Romo

Ryan Braun

Eric Sanford

José Álvarez

Yusmeiro Petit

Edinson Vólquez

Homer Bailey

Jake Marisnick

Cole Hamels

René Rivera

Billy Hamilton

Connor Donovan

Juan Lagares

Tony Watson

Eduardo Núñez

Brad Peacock

Brian Goodwin

Andrew Romine (hello)

Mike Freeman (hello)

Todd Frazier

Tim Cantu

Caleb Joseph

Shin-Soo Choo

Derek Dietrich

Sam Freeman

Andrew Chafin (goodbye 2/2)

Jonathan Lucroy

Cory Gearrin (hello. Also no.)

Mike Montgomery (hello)

Kate Preusser

Matt Wieters

Asdrúbal Cabrera

Jake Odorizzi

Jorge Bonifacio

Brock Holt

Brad Boxberger

Chase De Jong (hello)

Jay Bruce (hello)

Amanda Lane

Albert Almora Jr.

Pedro Strop

Gio González

Keone Kela

Wade LeBlanc (goodbye 2/2)

Jordy Mercer

Kelvin Herrera

Logan Forsythe

Juan Nicasio (hello)

David Phelps (hello)

Isabelle Minasian

Phil Gosselin

AJ Ramos

Oliver Drake

Jared Hughes

Matt Shoemaker

Matt Kemp

Danny Santana

Nate Jones

Jake Lamb

Anders Jorstad

Yoshihisa Hirano

Logan Morrison (hello)

Sean Rodríguez

Ben Gamel (hello)

Bryan Shaw

Josh Phegley

Neil Walker

Steve Cishek (hello)

Brandon Kintzler

Travis Jankowski

Becca Weinberg

Greg Garcia

Yoenis Céspedes

Ken Giles

Chase Anderson

Andrew Triggs

Justin Grimm

Nick Vincent (hello)

Sean Doolittle (goodbye 2/2)

Dee Strange-Gordon (hello)

Matt Joyce

Adrianne Leary

Mike Foltynewicz

Brian Dozier

Edwin Encarnación (hello)

Eric Sogard

Jonathan Villar

Jarrod Dyson (hello)

Mike Kickham

Brandon Workman

T.J. McFarland

Tyler Naquin

Hector Rondón

Nick Markakis

Zack Godley

Zack Littell

Zach Gottschalk

Matt Harvey

Jeff Samardzija

Jon Jay

Matt Adams

Jesse Chavez

Ian Kennedy

Josh Reddick (no)

Tony Wolters

Heath Hembree

Robinson Chirinos

Julio Teheran

Chris Archer (goodbye 2/2)

Mike Leake (hello)

Yasiel Puig

Félix Hernández (hello)

Aaron Sanchez

David Robertson

Collin McHugh

Tyson Ross

Andrew Cashner

Zack Cozart

Chris Herrmann

Tony Cingrani

Bud Norris

Dan Otero

Fernando Abad

Russell Martin

Jed Lowrie

Francisco Liriano (goodbye 2/2)

Edwin Jackson

Clayton Richard

Daniel Descalso

Carlos González (hello)

Gerardo Parra

David Hernandez

Gordon Beckham (hello)

Melky Cabrera

Anthony Swarzak (hello)

Héctor Santiago

Brett Cecil

Steven Wright

Cody Allen

Mark Trumbo (hello no)

Spencer Patton (goodbye 2/2)

John Trupin