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Mariners vs. A’s vs. 2020

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Mariners defeat A’s, lose to 2020

Ahhhhhhhhh

EXT. ENORMOUS OVAL AMPHITHEATER - DAY

The amphitheater, clearly modeled after the Coliseum in Rome, sits in the middle of a desolate wasteland. A smoking tumbleweed rolls across what might have once been a parking lot, and just beyond a great sinkhole cracks open exponentially wider. The skies are a hazy orange and in the distance, along the horizon, deep gray clouds gather.

ZOOM IN to hover above the amphitheater. It’s entirely deserted, but figures are beginning to gather at its center.

ANNOUNCER, his voice reverberating disjointedly off of the empty stands: Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the BASE. BALL. BATTLE!!

Piped-in crowd noise plays, a beat late.

ANNOUNCER: In this corner is the reigning champion, COVID-19...

Piped-in crowd noise plays, a beat late.

ZOOM IN on an immense, grayish-purple blob looms along the left side of the amphitheater, four stories tall, with short red tubes protruding from its base. When the announcer trumpets its name, its protrusions briefly shimmy together in unison.

ANNOUNCER: In this corner are the upstart wildfires…

Piped-in crowd noise plays, a beat late.

ZOOM IN on a pillar of fire, the WILDFIRE, as it shoots flames up into the sky, a heavy cloud of smoke leeching slowly out into the rest of the amphitheater.

ANNOUNCER: And in this corner are the Ghosts of the Minor Leagues...

Piped-in crowd noise plays, a beat late.

ZOOM IN on the specter of a herd of cartoon animals, the GHOSTS OF THE MINOR LEAGUES, hovering in a half-circle around the 12th row of the stands, waving their oversized paws and fins menacingly.

ANNOUNCER: Finally, in this corner, the Oakland Athletics!

Piped-in crowd noise plays, a beat late.

ZOOM IN on a group of men, the OAKLAND ATHLETICS, in matching dark green shirts and gray pants waggle their bats and glare threateningly. One man, MARK CANHA (31, blonde, punchable), keeps looking over his shoulder at the opposite corner.

MARK CANHA: Yooooo I think that’s COVID-19 over there.

He elbows the man standing next to him.

MARK CANHA: I took Intro to Public Health Policy at Berkley this year. I have the inside scoop on how hard it is to control. This is going to be hella wild.

ANNOUNCER: Annnd now, let us welcome the challengers…

SLOW PAN to a small side door that opens at ground level. Men in matching white shirts and pants, the SEATTLE MARINERS, begin to shuffle out.

ANNOUNCER, voice reverberating throughout the empty stadium: Youuuuuur Seattle Mariners!

Piped-in booing plays.

ANNOUNCER: Ready. Set. BATTLE!

One white-shirted man MARCO GONZALES (28, tall, earnest, somehow already sweaty) raises his left arm into the air and charges toward the green-shirted men.

MARCO GONZALES: Ahhhhhhhhhhh

OAKLAND ATHLETICS: Ahhhhhhhhhh

MARCO GONZALES is engulfed by the OAKLAND ATHLETICS.

The SEATTLE MARINERS huddle closer together.

Another white-shirted man, JOE ODOM (28, bearded, less sweaty) steps forward and lifts his bat into the air with both hands.

JOE ODOM: Chaaaaar-

GHOSTS OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL swoop down and carry JOE ODOM away.

The WILDFIRE shoots another fireball into the air and emits another immense cloud of smoke. OAKLAND ATHLETICS and SEATTLE MARINERS collectively shrink backwards.

LUIS TORRENS (24, well-bearded, kind-eyed) pulls up his mask and charges toward the OAKLAND ATHLETICS.

LUIS TORRENS: Ahhhhh

OAKLAND ATHLETICS: Ahhhhh

LUIS TORRENS tackles STEPHEN PISCOTTY (29, patchily-bearded) to the ground.

JOSE MARMOLEJOS (27, bearded, rectangular) charges after LUIS TORRENS

JOSE MARMOLEJOS: Ahhhhh

OAKLAND ATHLETICS: Ahhhhh

JOSE MARMOLEJOS knocks JESUS LUZARDO (22, lips pursed) down and barrels into the crowd of OAKLAND ATHLETICS.

KYLE LEWIS (25, handsome, smiling) steps forward, hefts his bat onto his shoulder and runs forward.

KYLE LEWIS: Ahhhhhh

OAKLAND ATHLETICS: Ahhhhh

KYLE LEWIS launches himself off the side of the amphitheater wall and elbow drops JESUS LUZARDO

The SEATTLE MARINERS look around at each other, then collectively raise their arms/bats.

SEATTLE MARINERS: Ahhhhhh

OAKLAND ATHLETICS: Ahhhhhh

The SEATTLE MARINERS and OAKLAND ATHLETICS begin to battle each other in increasing smoke and confusion.

TIME LAPSE of the SEATTLE MARINERS and OAKLAND ATHLETICS scuffling together.

TIM LOPES (26, handsome, bearded), TY FRANCE (26, stubble-faced), and DYLAN MOORE (28, face as smooth as a baby’s bottom) lift JOAKIM SORIA (36, bearded, exhausted) into the air and hurl him up towards the GHOSTS OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

The cloud of dust and smoke from the WILDFIRE grows larger and larger, obscuring the SEATTLE MARINERS and OAKLAND ATHLETICS from view.

ZOOM IN as the fighting begins to die down and individual figures begin to stand and lift their fists in triumph.

ZOOM IN TIGHTER to reveal the figures are members of the SEATTLE MARINERS.

SEATTLE MARINERS: Hoorahhhhhhhh

COVID-19, nearly 10 times its original size, lurches forward from its corner, then swings back, crashing into the wall of the amphitheater. The amphitheater begins to crack and crumble, chunks of concrete tumbling down the stands and into the arena. The WILDFIRE shoots fireballs into the air and bellows another cloud of smoke.

PAN OUT SLOWLY on the amphitheater as it’s engulfed in smoke and crumbling debris.

ANNOUNCER: Annnnnd that’s the end of your BASE. BALL. BATTLE!!!

Piped-in crowd noise plays, a beat late.