The Best Mariners to Quarantine With

We certainly don’t mean to make light of a very serious situation, but also, that’s kind of all that’s left for us at this point. The Mariners have been out of our lives for about two weeks now. The enormity of this situation is starting to creep in, not just because we don’t get to watch baseball, but because of the immense uncertainty it carries.

Please listen to our dad Jay Inslee and remain inside. People much smarter than me are saying that’s the only surefire way to slow the virus down and get things back to normal as soon as possible. If you do have to leave your home, and let’s say you find yourself sequestered with a member of your favorite baseball team (for research purposes, of course), I think these are your best bets for an enjoyable experience.

10. Dylan Moore

Picture this, the virus is all around you, moving closer with each passing second. An airborne pathogen flies through the house at alarming speed. It’s headed right for you. But, what’s this?

Dylan Moore is…ABLE TO MAKE THE CATCH! What an incredible play by Dylan Moore. The CDC throws their hands in the air in celebration. This is so important to them. Wow.

9. Dan Altavilla

During a period of intense social distancing, humanity is presented with two disparate courses of action. One is succumbing to junk food’s comforting embrace, and the other is getting absurdly swole. If you’re looking to nobly follow the second path, there are few quarantine partners better suited for you than Dan Altavilla.

Surely the Mariners’ reliever knows a multitude of living room circuits that don’t require fancy equipment or a gym-like setting. In fact, the Mariners have already given us proof of Altavilla’s dedication to fitness.

This not only gives us some exercises to do from home, but also assures the masses that Altavilla will emerge from this pandemic even more shredded than before.

8. Taijuan Walker

Taijuan Walker seems like a fun dude.

A noted video game lover who also seems pretty low maintenance, Walker strikes me as a solid quarantine partner. Hopefully if we get tired of playing video games I could get a tour of his sneaker closet too. Also, importantly, Walker was 17 years old when he was drafted by Jack Zduriencik and the Mariners ten years ago. He simply must have some fun stories about the Jack Z regime, playing with Robinson Canó, Nelson Cruz, and Félix Hernández, and the 2014 and 2016 teams that almost snuck into the playoffs.

7. Marco Gonzales

While there’s certainly room to hide from the coronavirus and still have fun, the way out of this is through logic, restraint, and sound decision making. All of that is to say, this is a time for Marco Gonzales and his public service announcements.

This kind of responsibility and levelheadedness is a perfect game plan for defeating the mighty corona. Should I get quarantined with Marco (and his dog Louie), I promise to listen to everything he says.

We’re checking on the neighbors? Great! What can I bring?

We’re getting takeout? You’re in luck, Marco. Ordering takeout is one of my best skills.

We’re social distancing? Fantastic. I’ll go hang out with the dog in a different room until I get bored and come back to ask you about pitch tunneling or whatever.

This is going to be a piece of cake!

6. Kyle Lewis

I imagine getting quarantined with Kyle Lewis would just lead to a conversation on what sort of activities he deems “terrible for you” and which ones are, in fact, “aight”.

Me: [plops down on the couch next to him]

Kyle Lewis: What are you doing?! We’re supposed to stay six feet apart.

Me: Of course.

[I get up to grab some hand sanitizer]

Kyle Lewis: Couple things. That hand sanitizer doesn’t have enough alcohol in it to properly stop the spread of germs. Soap and water, man!

Me: You’re so right.

[I come back 15 seconds later]

Kyle Lewis: That wasn’t long enough! Are you even taking this seriously? Coronavirus is terribullllll for you!

5. Kyle Seager

I’ve always thought that Kyle Seager is sneaky funny. His appearances in the Mariner commercials have shown a wry sense of humor that is often hidden behind his blue collar demeanor. His longtime presence on the Mariners’ roster also provides some nice familiarity during these trying times. Getting to know a new person during all of this feels a bit too ambitious. I’d rather hunker down with the man I’ve known since 2011.

Kyle Seager is the rewatchable movie to cue up when you don’t want to think too hard, the pair of sweatpants that immediately trigger relaxation, the calming pot of tea to keep returning to throughout the day.

I also feel like I could learn a lot from Kyle Seager? I bet he’s quite good with his hands. Maybe we’d get into something like woodworking or home restorations? Kyle Seager, if you’re reading this, start a YouTube channel that teaches us how to make birdhouses.

4. Shed Long Jr.

In moments of extreme hardship, it’s always nice to have someone who won’t sugar coat things. Take it away, Shed.

This does indeed suck, Shed. Thank you for saying that. I can’t wait to hear your succinct opinions on other things as we get to know each other and shop for rec specs online.

3. Dee Gordon

At the same time, if I’m going to be trapped in one place for an indefinite amount of time, I want to be with someone who can keep things light.

Dee has a nice mix of wizened experience and youthful exuberance that would play nicely during a quarantine. One minute he’d be offering useful advice he picked up somewhere in his 31 years of life, the next he’d be dunking on a Nerf hoop. I think that sounds lovely.

2. Daniel Vogelbach

The eternal warmth that radiates from Daniel Vogelbach should be enough to singlehandedly defeat the ‘roni. He may not be a medical expert, but he’s a seasoned professional when it comes to making people feel safe. Of this I am certain. Vogelbach’s jovial spirit combined with his powerful physical form creates a daunting task for any virus. I’d like to see the ‘roni try any funny business on this man.

If COVID-19 does get past this impenetrable line of defense, Vogey will easily squeeze the life out of it to stop the pandemic completely in its tracks.

1. Mallex Smith

In his short time in Seattle, one of the main things Mallex Smith has taught us is that he’d be a great hang. It’s hard to be mad at someone with a smile as radiant as his, and he’s also demonstrated a natural wit.

Even though his 2019 season was buns, the Mariners’ center fielder earned a place in my heart as an 80-grade dude. He had every reason to get discouraged in a year that briefly sent him back to the minors. Yet, he managed to keep good spirits in the face of adversity. He also displayed a few shortcomings and built an army of haters. Well, the coronavirus certainly qualifies as my biggest hater to date, and we’ve got nothing but time to figure out a victory plan.

Plus…

(I’m sorry)

If I’m quarantining with Mallex Smith…

(You don’t have to do this)

Chances are…

(STOP)

He won’t be catching anything.