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Mindless Mariners Rabbit Hole Turns Into Front Page Sports Content ~ A March 2020 Story

* Dave Chappelle Voice * Y’all Got Any More of That Semi-Mariners Related Content?

2020 Seattle Mariners Photo Day
String Bean Slinger
Photo by Alex Trautwig/MLB Photos via Getty Images

Looking for the next way to get your Mariner fix while withering away at home during the great COVID-19 scare of 2020?

With the option of seeing our guys in teal and silver live in Seattle (or…. anywhere really?) off the table for the foreseeable future, the options for consumption of our beloved group of youngsters has quickly become slim (like most, I have spent the past days ogling Tom Murphy’s hops like it was a grand slam walk off).

Do you also still want to interact with these specimens of sport but don’t want to risk either of you getting sick?

Just want to say hi to one of your favorite new relievers that may or may not bounce back?

Well look no further, you hygienically responsible, Carl Edwards Jr.-obsessed, baseball- loving individual, because boy, oh boy, do I have the opportunity of a lifetime for you.

I present to you: Cameo. A mobile app that allows you to get a video response from some of your favorite public figures and celebrities (ha. ha. Yes, baseball players too, very funny) for varying levels of financial commitment! Cameo allows you to request these people to send a video in response to a question or prompt that you give them. While most are done as a birthday present or other gift, the options are limitless! Well, they’re limitless in the time span around 30 seconds I guess (this is all we got right now ok?)

So what Mariners can you send money to acknowledge your mere existence and keep your baseball yen at a tolerable/healthy/safe level? Good question, reader, I was just about to get to that. Are we clicking right now or is this just the only pseudo human contact I’ve had in *checks tally marks etched into the drywall by my bed* four days?

Oh right, on with the guys.

First and foremost we’ll start with the current guys on the team.

Sam Tuivailala - $20

Boasting an impressive five-star rating, and a four-day average wait time to boot, Tuivailala offers a fairly economical price. Thus far it appears that Sam has only been hired to wish people happy birthdays; however, considering the passion he brings to the posted responses, there is no reason to think that he would fall short on any other type of request. Sam’s dog Maui even makes an appearance in one of the videos (have I found the bottom of the ‘Sports Content’ bucket yet?); sadly upon checking, Maui does not have a cameo of his own :(

One of his reviews reads:

“AMAZING! Thanks so much, Sam. You really made our day. Looking forward to the upcoming season and excited to see you pitch”

Me too, excited commenter….. Me too.

Carl Edwards Jr. - $40

The string bean slinger boasts an asking price of twice that of Tui’s but for good reason. In his most recent cameo answer he can be seen in the Mariners Peoria locker room. Finally, the unbridled access we’ve been looking for!

CEJ’s repertoire also appears to be a bit more advanced, having answered requests for birthdays, Christmas and entire baseball teams! Over the past few days of self-quarantine I’ve been pondering a lot, including thinking about dropping some cash to get a cameo from Carl to help cheer up my OOTP team, they’re not taking the delay well at all. Cheer up guys, Baseball will come back soon enough...

Sadly, thats it for our current M’s, but hold on a second, what is that I see just over the horizon?

Wait right there… is that a backwards snapback hat I see in the distance?! What if…. no, no it couldn’t be, but just maybe? Ryon? Ryon Healy is that you??

Thats right ladies and gentleman, he has returned.

Here is Ryon and another notable former Mariner you can say hi to.

Ryon Healy - $50

Wow, Ryon Healy, what can I say, or really, what can’t I say.

Are you a part of a very select few that are still grieving the loss of the most recent Daniel Vogelbach road block? If you are and have a spare $50 laying around, I suggest reaching out to Ryon to try to gain some closure. Don’t worry, you’ll be on the road to forgiveness in no time.

Brett Boone - $95

Want to see if his signature bat flip has remained intact throughout retirement? Now is your shot.

But then again, if you want to save that money for a rainy day (like a global pandemic or something), I suggest re-living it through one of the GOAT Mariners Commercials.


Pedro Martinez - $500

Pedro’s feature Cameo clocks in at 19 seconds, or $26.31 per second of Pedro-Time.

Pedro also spent another feature cameo offering marriage advice (he said the word ‘patience’ about fifteen times) to a newly married couple. (A big congrats to Amanda and Dave from me and the rest of the LL staff)

Sounds like a steal of a deal to me.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Also appearing on Cameo: site favorite—okay, fine, KATE favorite—Logan Morrison. How do I know this? Because my own dear sister gifted me a Logan Morrison Cameo for my birthday. In his message LoMo was his typical sweet and goofy self and said how much he missed Seattle AND ALSO that he was an LL reader. I only sobbed into my team-issued Logan Morrison jersey a little. All this for the bargain price of twenty smackers!]

Well folks, there ya have it. Today's opportunity at Mariners access.

This halt in baseball and other sports content that many of you, like myself cling to at times of hardship has certainly been a hard pill to swallow over the past few days. Even while acknowledging that it is the undoubtedly correct call to make, it still hasn't made me miss over-hyping a Tim Lopes single (wait, I thought he only hit doubles?) or finding joy out of any other minuscule baseball event any less.

Even though this little venture into an unrealistic way to fulfill your Mariners fandom started as nothing more than another vehicle of self occupation and distraction while cooped up at home, I think that it goes to show that those same dorky reasons that make you love watching baseball, can be applied to pretty much anything.

While things likely are going to get worse before they get better, don’t stop reaching for the things that help put your mind at ease just because baseball is gone for a little bit.