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A Subjective Ranking of Jerry Dipoto’s Nicknames

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(chucks egg at hot frying pan) this is your brain on comment sections...any questions?

meme adapted by Zach Gottschalk

Jerry Dipoto is no stranger to criticism. Since his hiring as General Manager in September 2015, he has garnered his fair share of detractors for a variety of reasons, mostly due to his propensity to make lots of trades of varying quality and for what he has said publicly about the team’s chances and/or long-term plans. As such, fans have coined quite a few disparaging nicknames for Dipoto over the years and I am here today to gently guide you into comment section hell and back again as I rank his funniest nicknames.

First of all, we’re throwing out “DiPoto” because it’s not a nickname; it’s a typo. This is his fifth season with the Mariners, folks. Time to stop hitting that shift button on the ‘P,’ okay? Please? Enough is enough.

These purely subjective rankings are made by me, Eric Sanford, and they are ranked by how hard they make me laugh. We’re going least funny to the funniest, so strap in and prepare to go down a wormhole of Mariners fandom that you may find either all-too-familiar or painfully alien and disconcerting because you do not routinely expose yourself to comment sections like we do as LL staffers. To further clarify, I run our site’s Facebook page, which definitely garners quite a few angry and less-informed comments than any of our other comment sections or replies, so readers, believe me when I say I’ve seen some shit. Without further ado, here are Jerry Dipoto’s funniest nicknames as coined by Mariners (and Angels) fans.

(Screenshots are of real comments and tweets with identities removed so as to minimize bullying. Fair warning: lots of bad language and inappropriate phrases await you.)

MLB: Spring Training-Milwaukee Brewers at Seattle Mariners
when the roast is about to start
Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

Trader Jerry

FanGraphs

Perhaps his oldest and most prosaic nickname, earned by his track record with the Diamondbacks, Angels, and Mariners for making a lot of trades. Weird, a GM who makes trades, some good and some bad. (/checks job description) Yep, trading players is listed right there under “Duties and Responsibilities.” Jerry is not the first have such a moniker. Before him was Trader Jack aka Jack McKeon, who earned the nickname in his first offseason as General Manager of the San Diego Padres in 1980 as he aggressively traded off players in an attempt to rebuild the team. He would later trade his own son-in-law, Greg Booker. He probably had it coming.

Snake Oil Salesman

Many people feel distrustful of a salesman who comes across as too slick, right? Well, what’s slicker than snake oil? I honestly have no idea! This nickname and defamation of character started picking up traction after the 2018 season went pear-shaped and the rebuild/step-back/side-step/mini-tank began. Does Jerry know what he’s doing? Why did he trade away all the good players? How are we supposed to watch this team until 20-whenever? WHAT’S THE PLAN?!?! And on and on we go. Look, I know it’s been rough and I’m not out here trying to carry water for millionaires, but the team is currently chock-full of young talent with the 5th ranked farm system in the league after being dead last in 2018. Seems like pretty good progress to me!

Dipoopoo

All right, now we’re getting into the silly fun stuff. This is some straight-up third grader at recess nonsense and I’m a big fan of it. Alternate usages: “You’re a dipoopoo-head” or “Watch out! Don’t step in dipoopoo over there!”

Dipotoass

This one is great because it’s up for debate how it’s actually pronounced AND it’s extremely lazy in the way that it’s just throwing a curse word onto the end of his name. It also sets up a nickname that I can’t find anyone actually using in earnest, which is Dipotato. How would a sentient potato do as a GM? Would it trade prospects for good soil? Would it ban French fries at T-Mobile Park? I feel like Dipotato would have a pretty short run as GM of the Mariners due to French fry and garlic fry related fan riots.

Dibozo

This one makes me laugh because it’s really stupid and it just rolls off the tongue. When’s the last time you called someone a bozo in public? If you were born after 1990, probably never, right? You probably saw your Uncle Jim drop a “Dibozo” in a Facebook tirade after the Canó/Díaz trade to the Mets. Go screenshot that one and save it for Jarred Kelenic’s MLB debut, it’ll go over like gangbusters.

Jerry Dumb Dumb

I love this one because sometimes, in the right context, the easiest and silliest putdowns are the best ones. It also sounds like something actor Jason Mantzoukas would say if he were an angry Mariners fan. It’s funny in the same way that repeating the last thing someone said back to them in a snotty voice with a scrunched-up butthole face is fun—it’s funny in the same way that repeating the last thing—okay yeah we get it, thanks.

Dipshito/Dishitto

Okay, this one gets top honors from me because it broke my brain to the point where I found myself referring to things in real life as a “dipshito” like when my dog won’t come back inside while I’m holding the door for him and all the warm air is getting out. Also, calling someone a “dipshit” out of real anger when they are doing something stupid is truly a great slam. It really cuts to the core of the stupidity of what they’re doing. Literally dipped in shit. That’s how dumb you’re being right now. Therefore, the modification into Dipshito (or the even more incomprehensible Dishitto) really makes me and my poisoned, extremely-online lizard brain laugh a lot. Congrats, internet strangers. You did it.