Before He Cheats (Houston Astros Remix)

Every so often, there are worldly events that elicit truly transcendent art. War, scandal, triumph, the Houston Astros deciding a fun crime would be illegally using video to steal their opponents’ signs, then banging on trash cans to signal what pitch was coming, etc.

Here’s the song you didn’t know you needed, but are surely glad that it exists. When the song debuted on the Lookout Landing podcast, people busted fire hydrants open and danced in the streets despite the fact that it is January. Historians will use Before He Cheats (Houston Astros Remix) as a reference of this hilariously troubled era for centuries to come.

Lyrics:

[Verse 1]

Right now, he’s probably bang schemin’

With Hinch and Cora

And they know that this is cheating

Right now, they’re probably thinking of some stupid little lie

‘Cause they can’t play fairly

Right now they’re probably up on Twitter with fake accounts

Talkin’ bout we still love the Astros

And Jeff Luhnow

[Chorus]

They used a screen to steal some signs

With a little bit of help from clubhouse guys

Altuve said don’t rip off my jersey

There was a small little buzzer in their home whites

Thank you to my man Mike Fiers

Maybe next time they’ll think before they cheat

[Verse 2]

Right now, they’re probably out trashing the

High-def version of every single series

Right now, they’re probably thinking “I’m fucked”

And we’re a thinking this is gonna get ugly

Right now, they’re probably working on

Replacing all of those trash cans, oh nooooo

And Jeff Luhnow (oohhh)

[Chorus]

They used a screen to steal some signs

With a little bit of help from clubhouse guys

Altuve said don’t rip off my jersey

There was a small little buzzer in their home whites

Thank you to my man Mike Fiers

Maybe next time they’ll think before they cheat

[Bridge]

They even made a little trouble in the Mets’ world

And the next time that they cheat

Oh, we’ll pray for ol’ MLB

Oh, MLB

[Chorus]

They used a screen to steal some signs

With a little bit of help from clubhouse guys

Altuve said don’t rip off my jersey

There was a small little buzzer in their home whites

Thank you to my man Mike Fiers

Maybe next time they’ll think before they cheat

[Outro]

Oh, maybe next time they’ll think….before they cheat

Oh, before they cheat

Oh