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Every so often, there are worldly events that elicit truly transcendent art. War, scandal, triumph, the Houston Astros deciding a fun crime would be illegally using video to steal their opponents’ signs, then banging on trash cans to signal what pitch was coming, etc.
Here’s the song you didn’t know you needed, but are surely glad that it exists. When the song debuted on the Lookout Landing podcast, people busted fire hydrants open and danced in the streets despite the fact that it is January. Historians will use Before He Cheats (Houston Astros Remix) as a reference of this hilariously troubled era for centuries to come.
Lyrics:
[Verse 1]
Right now, he’s probably bang schemin’
With Hinch and Cora
And they know that this is cheating
Right now, they’re probably thinking of some stupid little lie
‘Cause they can’t play fairly
Right now they’re probably up on Twitter with fake accounts
Talkin’ bout we still love the Astros
And Jeff Luhnow
[Chorus]
They used a screen to steal some signs
With a little bit of help from clubhouse guys
Altuve said don’t rip off my jersey
There was a small little buzzer in their home whites
Thank you to my man Mike Fiers
Maybe next time they’ll think before they cheat
[Verse 2]
Right now, they’re probably out trashing the
High-def version of every single series
Right now, they’re probably thinking “I’m fucked”
And we’re a thinking this is gonna get ugly
Right now, they’re probably working on
Replacing all of those trash cans, oh nooooo
And Jeff Luhnow (oohhh)
[Chorus]
They used a screen to steal some signs
With a little bit of help from clubhouse guys
Altuve said don’t rip off my jersey
There was a small little buzzer in their home whites
Thank you to my man Mike Fiers
Maybe next time they’ll think before they cheat
[Bridge]
They even made a little trouble in the Mets’ world
And the next time that they cheat
Oh, we’ll pray for ol’ MLB
Oh, MLB
[Chorus]
They used a screen to steal some signs
With a little bit of help from clubhouse guys
Altuve said don’t rip off my jersey
There was a small little buzzer in their home whites
Thank you to my man Mike Fiers
Maybe next time they’ll think before they cheat
[Outro]
Oh, maybe next time they’ll think….before they cheat
Oh, before they cheat
Oh