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Hi everyone, this is Mark Canha. You may know me as that annoying guy on the A’s with the sideburns, or for going .050/.136/.200 in 22 career plate appearances against Félix Hernández. Lookout Landing commissioned me to write tonight’s recap, but all I heard was “please grace us with your immense poetry skills”.
I know what you’re thinking. Mark, did you write this during the game? Yes I did. Is this technically against MLB rules? Not sure, but I’ve always been someone who likes to disrupt the status quo. Please light a candle and become centered enough to properly digest my work.
Tonight is a Saturday, my A’s take Seattle
Their year-long march is ending, but still we must battle
Before the game starts I sit at my locker
“Which Noah Baumbach film is best?” I silently ponder
The Cascadia fall clings to my skin like a mold
“Mark,” say my teammates, “It’s really not that cold”
I laugh and remind them that fortune favors the bold
With the flick of a wrist I put on my attire
First my socks then my cleats, then I become an ice climber
in september, white guy baseballer
— Matthew (@mroberson22) September 29, 2019
he looks psychotic in this balaclava pic.twitter.com/qNaBjJifup
A full ski mask may not seem necessary
But when you’re Mark Canha, your thoughts are contrary
The outfit is sleek and warming, and dare I say savvy
I take great enjoyment in making Seattle fans crabby
On tonight’s lineup card I am written next to center field
I play lots of positions; many swords I do wield
The game on the field begins shortly thereafter
In my opinion, Stephen Malkmus is a musical master
Our starter is Brett Anderson, his pitch arsenal is quirky
This is a good time to remind you that I went to Berkeley
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As the innings progress things look good for green and gold
“Mark, you’re scaring the children,” is something I am told
Nevertheless, I take my first at-bat
I can only fly out to left field as my launch angle falls flat
Marco Gonzales, I must say, is quite a good pitcher
All of the furniture in my loft is made out of wicker
Gonzales has great command, his changeup devastating
She sure does hate it, but I call my wife m’lady
People say that I have the energy of an artisanal Roger
This video of weird kissing gets me all hot and bothered
— Mark Canha (@outtadapakmark) September 12, 2019
We score our lone run in the third, a solo shot from Laureano
It reminds me of this bone marrow that I ate in Chicago
Anderson throws five, then gives way to Petit
I studied Econ in at Berkeley. I know, pretty sweet
Petit hands over to Diekman, and then to Luzardo
The Mariners can’t manage a run, I’m wearing a full parka tomorrow
From there we play out the string, like I do on my guitar
Have you ever heard of R.E.M.? I love their work on the sitar
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We win the game, Seattle sinks deeper into depression
What did I contribute? More of a comment than a question
I reach base twice though neither time can I score
I was a bit distracted all night thinking of speakeasies to explore
After handshakes on the mound I can jaunt around this great city
All my opinions are good, those who disagree, I pity
My heart is full in Seattle, I can drink hipster coffee
When I try to hug Bob Melvin he always says “Get off me”
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In a few short days we will begin our postseason
When my wife eventually leaves me I will have her arrested for treason
My name is Mark Canha, tonight I was your guest poet
I hear good things about the Mariners’ future, be a real shame if they blow it