I feel compelled to discuss this game that no one watched. Writing about a 34-0 loss is freeing, I feel like a deep-sea explorer or an astronaut reporting sights that few others have witnessed. No matter how ridiculous my claim there is not a soul around to dispute me. Did you know, for example, that in the 8th inning Tom Murphy was briefly confused for a ballpark usher and was escorted back to the stands by security where he reluctantly did an above-average job? Did you?
The important thing about today was not happening on the field, but on the stage, where Edgar Martinez was inducted into the Hall of Edgar Martinez.
The game was peppered, fairly, with Edgar Martinez Facts. They appeared in the broadcast and featured numbers of Edgar’s dominance.
Meanwhile, the Mariners received nearly zero facts. This was the closest:
To correct this, here are some facts about this game:
Fact #1: Yusei Kikuchi struck out Shoehi Ohtani in the first inning.
Fact #2: Yusei Kikuchi retired immediately afterward.
Fact #3: Tom Murphy hit a baseball at 111.7 MPH, continuing his quest of trying to make me remember him five years from now despite having the most boring name since Rob Johnson. He hit a second baseball 105 MPH.
Fact #3: J.P. Crawford is wearing Mallex Smith’s helmet.
Fact #4: Kikuchi’s 4-run 4th inning was unlucky. Behold the expected batting averages.
Fact #5: Kikuchi’s 4-run 4th inning was not unlucky. Behold the center-cut steaks.
Fact #7: Domingo Santana doubled Justin Upton off at first base. Let’s check out the exciting highlight.
Fact #8: This is the 21st time the Mariners have lost by 5 runs or more. In 1995, the Mariners never lost a game.
Fact #9: Dee Gordon went 3-4 and raised his OPS to a season-high .002.
Fact #10: In 1995 gasoline was free.
Fact #11: Kyle Seager managed to swing twice on one pitch.
Fact #12: Kristopher Negrón collected his first hit of the year.
Fact #13: He also did something much more incredible than that.
Fact #14: Erik Swanson pitched against Mike Trout.
Fact #15: Let that sink in. Erik Swanson, owner of a 6.89 FIP, is bottom 3% of the league in expected exit velocity and barrels allowed, and has an opponents-slugging-percentage of .605.
Fact #16: Mike Trout has an actual slugging percentage of .685 and 26.3% of his fly balls are homers.
Fact #17: Erik Swanson gives up homer runs on 23.5% of fly balls.
Fact #18: Swanson turns every hitter he faces into Mike Trout. Today, he faced actual Mike Trout. What happened?
Fact #21: Erik Swanson has thrown exactly 11 changeups to right handed batters. In those 11 (of his 92) changes, he’s given up three hits including a home run.
Fact #22: Erik Swanson’s changeup is one of the worst pitches in all of baseball. Batters are slugging .677 off of it.
Fact #23: Tom Murphy calls for a changeup to Mike Trout.
Fact #24: They actually go through with this plan.
Fact #25: You can’t take it back, it’s out of your hand.
Fact #26: Just...
Fact #27: Why?
Fact #28: I haven’t done the proper maths but I assure you that this was the most likely home run in history. A pitcher who is terrible throws his worst pitch to the wrong handed batter who just so happens to be the best hitter in baseball.
Fact #29: The Angels bullpen catcher cannot seem to get over Fernando Rodney.
Fact #30: The 1995 Seattle Mariners, led by Edgar “Light Bat” Martinez, embarrassed the Angels so devastatingly that they had to relocate the team to LA in an effort to escape the shame.