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The 2019 Mariners as My Twenties

Sometimes it’s better to forget

It began with low expectations, especially among those closest to me.

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I went overseas and somehow didn’t embarrass myself.

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Huge boost of confidence from being abroad led me to telling everyone that, “I’ve changed. I think I’m going to surprise you, I really do.”

The first day back from being abroad I had a mustache. On the second day, I did not.

My mom starts telling her friends I’m going to be very successful. They are skeptical.


Friends and family begin to discuss me at social events.

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I start imagining what my life would be like if I had a parrot.

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The words Dinger and Dongs enter my vocabulary and everyone is weirdly comfortable with it.

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People keep saying I’m successful “for my age.”

When the dramamine kicks in and you feel invincible

“Elevate and Celebrate.”

I strike out in downtown Seattle more than anyone would think possible.

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I begin to realize I have no ability to close.

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Most relationships last the length of a homestand.

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Everyone uses the word Regression when discussing my behavior.

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I keep having to remind everyone that I don’t have any money.

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My friends move to other states and become successful.

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My body is suddenly riddled with injuries after performing routine tasks.

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I keep insisting that next year is going to be my year. Or maybe the year after that.

Nights of shame start to blur together until I lose the ability to feel embarrassed.

At a certain point I just start talking about how cool I was in the ‘90s.

Ruptured Testicle.


Even though it’s not technically over, it’s basically over.

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