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The Lookout Landing Father’s Day Gift Guide

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if you’re shopping at this point, this is the level of advice you deserve

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Minnesota Twins v Seattle Mariners Photo by Stephen Brashear/Getty Images

Hello and welcome to the Lookout Landing Father’s Day Gift Guide! As a dad I am eminently qualified to give advice about What Dads Want. Unfortunately, none of that advice is contained here.

Roll Deep With the Empire Pullover Hoodie

Look, I have so many thoughts. First, stop trying to make “Roll deep” happen. It’s not going to happen. Next, what in the hell is this even saying? “Seattle Mariners! Roll deep with the empire.” “Seattle Mariners Roll Deep With the Empire.” NONE OF THESE OPTIONS MAKE SENSE. Why didn’t they give Darth Vader a Light Bat? At least try to crossover brand. Also, as Grant Bronsdon said when we found this: WHO STANS THE EMPIRE?

I need to lie down.

Dad’s Garage Sign

Look, the words “satisfaction guaranteed” should never appear this close to the words “Seattle Mariners”.

Seattle Mariners Crystal Baseball

I don’t… just… if you’re the sort of person who has the expendable cash, then I guess more power to you. That’s great for you. Really. Just, how are you spending it on this? A crystal baseball? It’s the sort of thing a cartoon DC comics villain has in his office. “Ah yes, Batman. And now you see my master pla—please put the baseball down, it was very expensive. No I don’t have any Ichiro memorabilia! Why!”

Cornhole

I’m not even going to provide links because I’m so irked by it, but remember my ripping their fancy cornhole set last year? Well guess what, they doubled down! Not only can you now get rosewood, you can get cornhole sets in things like “ONYX” and “WEATHERED.” Again, this is not the sort of down home experience dads crave. A dad plays cornhole on unfinished plywood, or not at all.

Seattle Mariners Distressed Flag Sign

I really feel like I missed my calling sometimes. I know a few graphic designers, and they are dedicated, highly intelligent, and thoughtful people. Also, there are graphic designers who do…. This. How hard can it be to land a job doing this? There aren’t 13 stripes! What correlation are you drawing when you replace the stars with the Mariners compass? I’ll say this: Whatever else you want to make fun of, neither the United States nor the Seattle Mariners have made the playoffs OR won the AL West in 19 years. So, you know, maybe this is really art after all.

Seattle Mariners Door Mat

Do I even have to do a joke here, it’s a thing you step all over with the Mariners logo on it. Perfect for dads in Houston and Oakland! (sobs)

Seattle Mariners Lightweight Stadium Poncho

Dads always come incredibly prepared. So get him traditional rainy-day sports attire, the tent-like poncho with team logo, because only a dad needs a poncho in case of rain when attending a game in a stadium with a roof. You know how I know this? Because 2015 Felix Hernandez was a dad.

1987 Seattle Mariners Poseidon Schedule Poster

OK fine: You want an actual gift recommendation? Then hurry to get THIS, because it’s the single greatest piece of sports memorabilia I have ever seen. It’s hard to find a flaw. I guess if I could change one thing it would be to impale the moose on poseidon’s trident, and hire Jon Ryan as the new mascot, shirtless angry demonic Poseidon. It’s a can’t-miss move.