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The Mariners’ Offense is Your Terrible Love Life

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Looking for love with runners on bases

MLB: Seattle Mariners at Minnesota Twins
Looking for runs from all the same faces
David Berding-USA TODAY Sports

Without further ado, the runs that got away:

Inning 1: Mallex Smith, who loves sandy beaches, reached on a leadoff double and advanced to third base on a sacrifice from Kyle Seager. But despite sending up Edwin Encarnacion and then Daniel Vogelbach - your two best wing-men - it just wasn’t meant to be with Smith.

Inning 2: Omar Narvaez, who enjoys short walks up the first base line, was hurried quickly to 3rd after his walk on a double from Dee Gordon, but he was halted there when Shed Long grounded out to short and Dylan Moore struck out looking.

Inning 3: You liked that last walk, so when Kyle Seager walked with one out in the inning you got your hopes way, way up just for Encarnacion to get shut down once again with a fly-out. Vogelbach was able to help a bit, advancing Seager to 3rd on a single, and things looked pretty promising. Seager has been around the neighborhood for a while, and has always seemed like such a nice young man. Moms love Seager. However, Vogelbach was thrown out at 2nd when Domingo Santana hit a fielder’s choice to short and the inning was over.

Inning 4: Omar Narvaez caught your eye again with a double to left, but history does tend to repeat itself in these situations and he was thwarted once again by Long and Moore.

Inning 5: You were “focusing on yourself” this inning, or so you tell your friends, but really you swung eagerly at everything that came your way, resulting in strikeouts for Smith and Seager and a groundout for Encarnacion.

Inning 6: Were we a bit desperate after that last inning? Sure, Vogelbach’s solo home run - baseball’s one-night-stand - was a lot of fun, it really was, but did you start to think maybe it would lead to more? A solo home run is always a single run, and it can’t be changed no matter how hard you try.

Immediately after Vogelbach’s home run, Domingo Santana took interest, making his way to first base on a single. But the next two batters didn’t get him anywhere, and maybe he got impatient, because he up and dismissed himself by way of a Tootblan. The last thing you were looking for - a stuck boi.

Inning 7: Remember Smith, the one who broke your heart in that very first inning? Well, get ready to go through it all over again. With two outs in the 7th inning Smith doubled once more, and you really thought this was it. Why would he be here on second base again, just to be stranded on the base paths again? Well, my friend, stranded he was when Seager grounded out to end the inning.

Inning 8: Here it is - the inning you’ve been waiting for. Encarnacion walked, Vogelbach singled, and even Santana - maybe feeling some remorse for his earlier behavior - selflessly sacrificed himself so Encarnacion could cross the plate. Narvaez singled. An error on C.J. Cron allowed Gordon to get to first and Vogelbach to score. And then - just when you thought things couldn’t get any better - Long hit a three-run home run, his first in the bigs, to score Narvaez and Gordon.

Even the best innings must come to an end, but not before Smith singled and stole second - seriously, will he ever get past second base? - and was left there when Seager struck out.

Sometimes, when you focus so much on your love life, you inadvertently ignore other, equally-important parts of your life. You didn’t even notice the great day your colleague Tommy Milone was having at work, did you? Even after he made one little mistake and your team’s boss, Marwin Gonzalez, jumped all over him for it, he kept right on going, carrying the team while you were fretting over your base runners. He wound up clocking out with three runs in six innings, giving up only four hits, striking out six and not walking anyone. You probably owe Milone a beer for being such a selfish friend. Did you even notice when the night shift took over and screwed it all up, with Cory Gearin getting only one out in Milone’s relief while allowing two runs to score? Gearin’s first act, as you no-doubt saw, was to give up a single to your beautiful ex Nelson Cruz, who you miss terribly and who has clearly moved on with someone much, much better.

Inning 9: With one out, the Mariners still leading 6-4, Vogelbach singled but was thrown out at second on a fielder’s choice from Santana. Santana was left at first when Narvaez lined out to end the inning. But while you were shaking your head over Santana’s constant mixed signals, Anthony Bass gave up a two-run blast in the bottom of the inning to Byron Buxton, scoring Miguel Sano. Because you just can’t have one thing go well for very long before something else goes to shit.

It was all the damage done in the bottom of the 9th, but we’re all pretty tired of hearing about your love life and we didn’t need it to go into overtime just because you kept letting the same thing happen over and over and over. Yet, here we are.

Inning 10: After a person has been jilted time and time again, he or she can’t really be blamed for hoping each of their exes will be sorry and will come crawling back, hoping to make amends, and that’s exactly what happened in the 10th inning. Well, that’s probably how you’ll play this off later. I’d wager the Twins truly felt sorry for you, though - how else can two errors scoring three unearned runs to put the Mariners up 9-6 be explained?

Hell, when Seager struck out for the second out, Garber went so far as to drop the third strike. Seager was still out, but it really seems like they were trying.

Roenis Elias shut the Twins down in order in the 9th, and as fate would have it just this once, the final out was your stern boss Gonzalez, who really does make the whole team suffer whenever he’s around, striking out like a fool.

Dating doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes you give it your all and nothing happens, and sometimes a couple mistakes by your a competitor is all it takes. I don’t know. I’m losing track of the metaphors. I wasn’t expecting this outcome. I’d forgotten it was possible for the Mariners to do well. Much like your parents - it’d been so long since you brought home a significant other, they’d resigned themselves to the reality that you’d never find love. Quick, give them a call. Tell them about the inning you spent “focusing on yourself.” They’ll be happy it all worked out according to plan.