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Mariners spin 2019 Wheel of Losses, spinner lands on “blowout loss to Angels”

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Wallow wallow wallow wallow

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim v Seattle Mariners
Photo by Abbie Parr/Getty Images

Winning teams are all alike, but each Mariners loss is unhappy in its own way. Tonight the Mariners got blown out, although not as badly as they have been in the past, and not as badly as they will be in the future. Overall, though, this game was a pile of poo, and the Mariners are now 6-21 in May, the worst mark in franchise history. Inspired by a round at trivia last night where the challenge was to name “movie titles that evoke taking a poo,” after presenting each poo-y thing that happened, I will offer you a similar challenge, rating the inning on a scale of 1-5 poos and matching it with an appropriately bad film. It’s not quite falling into a barrel of poo and coming out with a gold watch, which is something my father says? but I am googling and not coming up with it being anything anyone else says? please advise?—but hopefully it will entertain you in reading about yet another loss.

First inning:

Things did not start out great as Kikuchi struggled with his command right out of the gate, walking David Fletcher and Mike Trout before falling behind Albert Pujols and then giving up an RBI single. He retired the next three batters, but it was another poor first inning. In the Mariners’ half-inning, Kyle Seager singled through the shift (yay!), but Edwin Encarnacion, who I honestly forgot played in tonight’s game until just now, grounded into a double play to end the inning.

Poo-meter: Two poos

Name this film, which is almost certainly as bad as tonight’s game

Second inning:

A solo HR to Clickhole Kaltech, a single to something called a Dustin Garneau, a fielder’s choice that could have been worse but for a spectacular play by Shed Long, a single to David Fletcher that went under Shed Long’s glove making a net neutral on Shed Long Good Things, and a two-run single for Mike Trout. Could have been much worse if not for Albert Pujols grounding into a double play to end the inning. Call him Albert Pal-jols. For their part, the Mariners got two on with one out against Felix Pena, who had been opened for by Luis Garcia, but he wound up striking out the side.

Shed Long got some attention for his play, at least:

Poo-meter: Three poos

Live look at teams walking into T-Mobile ready to run all over the Mariners

Third inning:

The bad news: Cesar Puello, a quad-A veteran whose swing looks like he is cosplaying Captain Hook fighting Peter Pan, homered. The good news: Jonathan Lucroy had grounded into a double play the batter before, so it was only a solo shot. More bad news: the Mariners went down 1-2-3 in their inning with two strikeouts.

Poo-meter: Two poos

For when you hit Taco Bell before the game

Fourth Inning:

Dustin Garneau led off with a single, followed by Luis Rengifo singling, followed by a Mike Trout double and Yusei Kikuchi’s departure from the game. David McKay replaced him and got cleanup hitter Tommy LaStella (!!!) to ground into a double play, but the damage was done, as the Angels held a 6-0 lead. The Mariners would go down 1-2-3 in their inning. Fun fact: Luis Rengifo used to be a Mariner. He was traded to the Rays to get Ryan Garton, who was just optioned back to Tacoma, and Mike Marjama, who is not retired from baseball.

Poo-meter: Four poos

Hint: this one is not Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

Fifth Inning:

David McKay runs out of fairy dust, Cesar Puello waves a soggy baguette and gets a base hit, Tim Beckham makes an error, which I should have a keyboard shortcut for by now, Luis Rengifo doubles, Angels lead 8-0. Brandon Brennan does enter and strikes out Mike Trout, and in the Mariners’ half inning Beckham makes up for his gaffe by hitting a two-run home run, so this isn’t as bad as it could be? But still pretty bad.

Poo-meter: Four poos

Sixth Inning:

For the first inning tonight, the Angels don’t score. However, neither do the Mariners, because Daniel Vogelbach grounds into a double play after Kyle Seager worked so hard to get to first base (jk, the Angels made an error and he reached). Homer-hitting Vogey >>>>> GIDP’ing Vogey.

Poo-meter: one small poo

I’d probably rather watch this movie than most of the Mariners games this season

Seventh inning:

A Cory Gearrin scoreless inning? Sure. Gearrin might wind up being the most valuable reliever trade chip at the deadline. I love when baseball has a sense of humor. The Mariners got one back on a Jay Bruce double pushing Haniger to third followed by a Beckham RBI groundout. That would be their last score on the night. Tim Beckham drove in all four runs.

Poo-meter: half a poo

Mariners fans trying to stay afloat in a losing season

Eighth inning:

Nothing really happened. Roenis Elias held off the Angels for a third straight scoreless inning. Mallex Smith did walk and steal a base, although the Mariners couldn’t bring him around. This was maybe, depressingly, the Mariners’ best inning on the night, so I’ll skip the trivia question for this one.

Ninth Inning:

Death by singles for Connor Sadzeck, who didn’t look particularly sharp, and the Angels push across another run. The Mariners do not, and go down 1-2-3.

Poo-meter: poofinity

But wait! Did someone say hope? (Hint, that is a clue.)

The performance of Jarred Kelenic continues to be a balm in a lost season. Tonight he made his High-A debut, in which he struck out once and made contact three times (one RBI groundout, one regular groundout, and the HR). If you’re still on the fence about an MiLB TV subscription, prices just dropped by ten bucks (and you can use the code NUTS to get an additional ten dollars off), meaning for thirty dollars, you can have a small screen of happiness while the big club has frustrating nights like this. If you’re just not a minors person, well, I hope you enjoy trivia and poop jokes.