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Mariners show no real interest in winning, lose sixth straight

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Mark Canha once berated a woman on the street for not composting her food scraps correctly

Seattle Mariners v Oakland Athletics Photo by Daniel Shirey/Getty Images

Here’s what Mike Leake did in the first four innings of Sunday’s game: gave up three earned runs on three hits, two of which were home runs.

Here’s what I did in the first four innings of Sunday’s game: took a nap.

It was the best kind of nap, too, one of those naps that you aren’t planning to take, you just naturally fall asleep to the sounds of your own breathing incessant percussion beats by the Oakland Coliseum Symphony. The midday slumber was glorious. As I do not have any children yet, I do not watch golf, so for me, baseball is the best possible sport to have in the background during a nap. All was quiet in my apartment save for the white noise of a Mike Leake vs. Brett Anderson duel (pun 100% intended).

Even better, none of my weird recurring dreams interrupted the bliss. Not the one where I wake up in a sweaty panic because I’m failing a math class that I’m not in, not the one where I’m floating in a strange, plotless, undefined realm where everything moves at the slow, disorienting pace of The Percocet and Stripper Joint. Another cool thing about being asleep is forgetting that Mark Canha exists. In that moment, everything was chill.

I awoke when the broadcast returned from a commercial break with Dave Sims recalling the time he saw Pat Benatar in 1978, telling Mike Blowers he knew “this little girl would become a star”. The Mariners were losing 3-0 at this point. The 2019 season, much like love, is a battlefield.

In the sixth inning, Oakland right fielder SKYE BOLT caught a lazy fly ball, and Sims remarked that SKYE BOLT is a “baseball name”. What a way to find out Dave Sims has never heard of lacrosse.

During this, Leake retired 13 straight Athletics, which I did not realize was allowed. The streak ended with a Mark Canha walk, which led to one of the dumber plays of the Mariners’ season.

With Canha on first base, probably telling Edwin Encarnación about how his senior thesis at Berkeley was more of a commentary than a definitive conclusion, Jurickson Profar pounded a ground ball to first. EE fielded the ball and fired to second as J.P. Crawford covered the base and secured the lead out. But, as though he heard Crawford say he doesn’t care for Neutral Milk Hotel, Canha unnecessarily stuck a leg out as he slid into second, hooking Crawford’s foot just as the shortstop decided not to throw the ball to first.

A long review ensued, as the replay crew tried to determine whether Canha intentionally made contact with Crawford. The deliberation was probably complicated by the fact that Crawford made no effort to complete the double play, so ruling Profar out would have essentially rewarded Crawford for eating the ball. Still, it looked from most vantage points that Canha went out of his way to stick his Birkenstock-crusted foot into the Seattle infielder. That is against the rules. When the replay concluded by ruling the play a simple fielder’s choice, allowing Profar to remain at first base, Scott Servais emerged from the dugout and assumed the role of Midwestern dad whose neighbor won’t share their bratwursts.

The on-field argument earned Servais his first ejection of the year. If not for a Jay Bruce solo shot in the seventh inning—which felt like when parents are tired of watching their kid struggle with their homework so they just give them the answer—the Mariners would have been shut out. Bruce rapped his 300th career double in this game and finished a triple shy of the cycle. He needs just one more dinger to reach 300 MLB home runs.

Seattle Mariners v Oakland Athletics Photo by Daniel Shirey/Getty Images

Instead of a goose egg, the M’s ended this listless game with a 7-1 loss, notable only for Canha’s incredibly specific villainy. He is the guy at the party who brings his own record player because mp3’s are a “vapid distillation of the entire musical experience”. His favorite film (Mark Canha has never said the word “movie” in his life) is a video he made by secretly leaving his phone on the bus, capturing the “unique rhythms of public life and the essence of humanity”. It’s four hours and 39 minutes long.

Today’s game was about as unmemorable as can be. The sweep in Oakland brings the Mariners to six losses in a row, completing a winless road trip through two-fifths of the AL West. The team returns to Seattle for an 11-game homestand that is also exclusively with division foes. Hopefully the Mariners can use Monday’s holiday to memorialize this losing streak rather than extend it further into the week.