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thank u, mets

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the hottest remix to hit the streets in years

Artwork courtesy of Tee Miller

During this offseason, the Seattle Mariners made a pivotal trade in the initial stages of its well-publicized roster turnover. Out went fan favorites Edwin Díaz and Robinson Canó, in came pitching prospect Justin Dunn, OF/1B/team dad Jay Bruce, relievers Anthony Swarzak and Gerson Bautista, and a burgeoning 19-year-old from Waukesha, Wisconsin.

His name? Jarred Kelenic. His game? Absolutely annihilating every pitcher in the South Atlantic League, where he got off to a historically-hot start. Today, Kelenic is hitting .314/.404/.550 with a 178 wRC+ and 11.8 BB%.

It’s important to remember a few things here.

One, Kelenic was a high school outfielder picked sixth overall pick in the most recent draft, meaning he’s about as fresh as a prospect can be. As such, he’s still in the extremely-low minors, but you can only hit the pitches that are thrown your way, and so far he’s done that with unrelenting authority.

Second, Kelenic was the prized return in the trade package for Díaz and Canó, who did not necessarily fit into the Mariners’ vision for their rebuild. Kelenic, being young and in no hurry to arrive, fits ideally.

Third, his last name is pronounced Kel-NICK, two syllables, which will be helpful when reading the lyrics to this song. Listening to the tune before diving into the remix may be helpful.

And now, the latest installment in the esteemed pantheon of Lookout Landing parody songs. Let’s begin.


(Verse 1)

Thought we’d make it with Dustin

Because he had a beard

Got excited for Smoaky

Boy that era was weird

Even almost made playoffs

Just the way that they planned it

Wish things had gone better for Jesús

And for that ice cream sandwich

(Bridge)

One first-round bust

One bad first baseman

And one was a trade

Now, I miss Pineda

We’ve loved and we’ve lost

Bye Edwin and Robbie

But, look what we got

A sweet-swinging lefty

And for that, I say

(Chorus)

Thank you, Mets (Mets)

Thank you, Mets (Mets)

Thank you, Mets

I’m so fuckin’ grateful for Kelenic

Thank you, Mets (Mets)

Thank you, Mets (Mets)

Thank you, Mets (Mets)

I’m so fuckin’

(Verse 2)

Think I really dig Kelenic

He’s such a fun prospect

Plus, he knows JULIOOOOOOO

They even get to share outfits

Hopefully they won’t move him too fast

But this one gon’ last

‘Cause his name is Jarred

Now look at him flex

(Bridge)

He works his legs (legs)

He works his triceps (triceps)

Has his own YouTube (tube)

That shit’s amazing (yeah, it’s amazing)

We’ve loved and we’ve lost (yeah, yeah)

Bye Edwin and Robbie (bye, bye)

New York lost a stud (yeah, yeah)

Even gave us young pitching, and for that, I say

(Chorus)

Thank you, Mets (thank you, Mets)

Thank you, Mets (thank you, Mets)

Thank you, Mets (thank you)

I’m so fuckin’ grateful for Kelenic

Thank you, Mets (thank you, Mets)

Thank you, Mets (said thank you, Mets)

Thank you, Mets (Mets)

I’m so fuckin’ grateful for Kelenic

Thank you, Mets

Thank you, Mets

Thank you, Mets

I’m so fucking

(Verse 3)

One day he’ll be a Mariner

Trophy case gets less lonely

We’ll be thanking the Mets

Their GM’s name is Brodie

Only wanna win it once, real bad

Gon’ paint the town teal

God forbid something happens

Least this trade is a steal (trade is a steal)

(Bridge)

I’ve got so much hype (hype)

For these outfielders (da teenz)

Both Jarred and J-Rod (J-Rod)

Can’t wait for their careers (wait for their careers)

We’ve loved and we’ve lost (yeah, yeah)

Bye Edwin and Robbie (bye, bye)

But we might have found (don’t say it)

A Caucasian Griffey

And for that, I’ll say

(Chorus)

Thank you, Mets (thank you, Mets)

Thank you, Mets (thank you, Mets)

Thank you, Mets

I’m so fuckin’ grateful for Kelenic

Thank you, Mets (thank you, Mets)

Thank you, Mets (said thank you, Mets)

Thank you, Mets (Mets)

I’m so fuckin’ grateful for Kelenic

Thank you, Mets

Thank you, Mets

Thank you, Mets

Yeah, yee

Thank you, Mets

Thank you, Mets

Thank you, Mets

Yeah, yee