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DECLASSIFIED: A debriefing of the Mariners tactics in their 11-0 loss to the Cubs

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An excLLusive of documents and recordings obtained from the postgame breakdown.

MLB: Chicago Cubs at Seattle Mariners Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

**RECORDING BEGINS**

S.Servais: Alright folks, let’s get right into it. Where did the plan go wrong, how did this happen? I thought we had a plan for this?

**indistinct muttering**

D.Gordon: Well, Scott, I think we’ve identified a few key areas where our tactics didn’t quite line up.

S.S.: Go on, Sergeant Gordon.

D.G.: Okay so remember this?

**papers rustling**

EXHIBIT A

S.S.: ...no, what is that?

**loud sigh**

D.G.: Sir, do you check your email? Perry, when was the last time Scott checked his email?

P. Hill: March. Got a coupon for half-price at Piggly Wiggly.

D.G.: COME ON, SCOTT.

S.S.: Look, I’m sorry, it’s mostly spam, what am I looking at?

D.G.: Okay, we’ve been getting beaten up on defense all year, and I thought tonight we might have a better shot. See everything in a green circle? We’ve got that covered. I’ve got it when it comes my way, Mitch is pretty steady out there in right, and the new guy in center... well he hasn’t knocked a ball over the fence or out of his own glove so I’m gonna say he’s cool.

S.S.: Look at all that space! So what happened to everything else?

D.G.: I’m so glad you asked. That’s where these other colors come in, and leads us to what I like to call the Contaminated Zone, or Contact Paradise, or Life to Flying Things, or the Bermewwwda Triang-

S.S.: I GET IT!

D.G: Yes, anyways, the non-green zones are where things appear to be going awry for us, and why I might suggest we avoid having the ball go in that direction.

S.S.: You’re suggesting we plan to not have the ball hit to an entire side of the field? I mean come on, how bad can it-

**sounds of MLB.com 15-second ad for Flonase playing**

Domingohhhhh no
MLB

S.S.: Okay yes it’s very ba-

**sounds of another MLB.com 15-second ad for Flonase playing**

S.S.: Look that one was hard-hit, even Kyle would’ve had a hard time wi-

D.G.: DOMINGO HAS A SUB-.900 FIELDING PERCENTAGE! IN LEFT FIELD!!

**unclear origin of muttering**

that’s an outdated way of measuring defense...

D.G.: I don’t want to hear it, Prieto. I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault. Y’all tried to have me play out there and you saw how it went, I’m not saying I’d do better. But we need a different strategy.

S.S.: You’re right... fewer walks? More pitches in the zone?

D.G.: Fewer bases-loaded walks would be good, yes, but agai-OH COME ON, I HAVE MY ADBLOCKER ON!

**sounds of 15-second MLB.com ad for Flonase playing**

S.S.: Alright, alright, you’ve made your point. The effort will be made to consolidate all batted contact towards the right side, and yes, I do see the wizened codger you’ve put by first base, we’ll address that too. In the meantime, we’ll look into finding a specialist to work on the outfield defense. Dismissed.

**sounds of chairs scooting back**

D.G.: I thought you might say that, and I’ve got a guy on hand already.

MLB: Chicago Cubs at Seattle Mariners Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports