This Year’s Can’t-Miss Ballpark Promos

This past weekend saw some of 2019’s most anticipated ballpark promotions, with Mariners Hoodie Night on Friday and the first Bark at the Park on Sunday. Here at LL, we’ve got the inside scoop on a few not-yet-announced promos you’ll definitely want in on. Here’s what you have to look forward to later this season:

Also: hi everyone! My name is Denise and I’m new to writing for Lookout Landing but I’m a longtime reader. I have an MFA in creative writing from UW Bothell. I’ve never written about baseball, but most of the fiction I write is about well-meaning screwups just hoping they’ll figure their shit out someday, so basically I just realized I’ve always written about the Mariners. I like cooking vegetables, drinking beer, petting dogs and having hiked. Go M’s.

Marco Polo Night

On this very special night at T-Mobile Park the first 20,000 fans through the gates will receive their own northwest green polo shirt adorned with the face of our ace, Marco Gonzales. Later in the evening, when Marco Gonzales has been inexplicably pulled after six dazzling innings, everyone will participate in a different version, a Mariners version, of the classic childhood game - but in this version everyone is “it” and we’ll all search for Marco to force him from the dugout and back into the game to finish what he started before it all goes to hell.

Mallex Smith Cap Night

Mallex Smith may wear a zero on his back, but you won’t see any zeros in his slash line, except for maybe some zeros at the end of his very high numbers. Wear this “Zero’s My Hero” baseball cap if and only if Smith honors his new home and removes that Florida pendant from his neck. Welcome to Seattle, Mallex Smith!

¡Festa Fiesta! Maracas Night

Move over, vuvuzelas - on this and every night thereafter, Matt Festa will enter the game to the sound of a full crowd waving their shiny new ¡Festa Fiesta! maracas! The maracas can be used to pump up the crowd even when Festa is not on the mound, or at any bar or restaurant where you may be watching the game or even thinking about the game. Every time is a good time to gift the ears of those around you with the majestic sound of your ¡Festa Fiesta! maracas!

Bradford Chasers Shot Glasses

Does the news that Chasen Bradford is getting the call from the bullpen send you into complete despair? Or do you find it cause for riotous celebration? No matter - now you can take that opportunity to indulge in a much-needed shot of the strong stuff before Bradford trots out to the mound to quite possibly, but maybe not, take care of business. Will he retire the side? Will he send our three-run-lead soaring into the left field bleachers with one misplaced fastball? Either way, Bradford’s performance is sure to be an exciting chaser for the adult beverage you just pitched straight down your throat.

Exciting Wealth-Building Opportunity

Have you seen Tim Beckham flip baseball bats? Are bills stacking up and you could use some extra cash? Flip houses the way Beckham flips bats! On the corner of South Royal Brougham Way and Occidental Avenue South I will be available before, during and after the game on this day only to provide business-savvy Seattleites the opportunity to sign up for my House-Flipping Seminar guaranteed to score you piles of cash! Don’t miss this exciting opportunity to sign up for this income-multiplying workshop, where you will learn how to spot good investments, minimize expenses and dodge tricky tax situations! Tickets will go faster than Beckham’s bombs, so don’t miss out! (The Seattle Mariners have yet to officially endorse this promotion)

King Felix Neck Tattoo Night

It’s June and our King is having a career year - how could you have doubted him? You should be ashamed of yourselves, calling Marco Gonzales our ace. On hand for this fun-for-the-whole-family event at our T-Mobile Home will be several of Seattle’s most adequate tattoo artists to forever adorn your skin with a replica of Felix’s neck tattoo. Our King’s velocity is high once again, and it’s high time you act on the indisputable fact that nothing ensures a commitment lasts forever like a highly-visible tattoo.

Bullpen Blockers

The seventh inning always comes, and when it does, let these Bullpen Blockers accompany you into the Bullpen Danger Zone, where even the biggest lead isn’t big enough. When you put these glasses on you’ll be staring at a blackness as complete as the late-game collapse you won’t be able to see. Bullpen Blockers do not protect against foul balls, home run balls or the eventual realization that the Mariners may not really be the best team in baseball. Great for air travel!