Which New Mariner Hitter Are You?

On September 30, 2018, left fielder Cameron Maybin caught a fly ball at Safeco Field, securing the 89th win for the 2018 Seattle Mariners and officially ending their season. Like Maybin, a large portion of that team is now playing elsewhere, retired, or unemployed (sign Denard Span, you cowards).

The venerable presences of Robinson Canó and Nelson Cruz are gone from the middle of the order, residing now in Queens and Minnesota, respectively. Mike Zunino’s frequent strikeouts and cathartic home runs have moved to Tampa along with jubilant outfielder Guillermo Heredia. Through the powers of trade, Ben Gamel became Domingo Santana in one of the most jarring body transformations of all time. Other players who appeared in that final 2018 game (David Freitas and Kristopher Negrón) have been demoted to the minor leagues, while utility men Gordon Beckham and Andrew Romine have found other organizations to...help?

Meanwhile, the Mariners completely overhauled their starting lineup, with even the tenured Kyle Seager missing out on the fun due to injury. Miraculously, the M’s are the best team in baseball right now, in large part because of the in flux of hitters acquired in recent months. The new players hail from all over the world and multiple MLB systems. There’s a former No. 1 overall pick, a three-time All-Star, the man who led all American League catchers in on-base percentage last season (min. 300 PA), and the ninth-best AL outfielder by fWAR.

General manager Jerry Dipoto also wrangled two corner outfielders with 30-homer seasons on their baseball cards. You probably knew all of this. What you likely don’t know is which of Seattle’s new swingers is most similar to you. Well, boy, if only there was a way to find out. Perhaps some sort of quiz that could point you to a kindred spirit. A series of questions that, upon being answered, would give you a new favorite player to fill the Canó or Cruz-sized chasm in your heart.

That’s exactly what we’ve created for you.

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THE “WHICH NEW MARINER HITTER ARE YOU?” QUIZ.

{{{Note: We couldn’t figure out a way to embed the quiz in this post. Try as we might, the CMS wouldn’t let us. So, apologies for making you open a new tab/window.}}}

Feel free to use the comment space to share your result to the quiz, and tell us if you feel your match is an accurate representation of your thoughts, beliefs, and sensibilities.