Mariners Crush Reds; Bishop Excommunicates Baseball

GOODYEAR, AZ—The Mariners played the Reds today in what sure was a barnburner! Both teams really got after it and you could see how seriously they were taking their efforts to prepare for the season. Haha just kidding the Mariners destroyed them. Effort levels were at an all-time high as every player on Seattle’s roster seemed to think it was nearly October. Which is true, cosmically.

• In the first, Kyle Lewis and Daniel Vogelbach drew walks and Omar Narvaez hit a 2-run bomb. Unfortunately for Ryon Healy, this made his swinging strikeout look all the rougher.
• Yusei Kikuchi decided no, he would actually like to be friends with Joey Votto and walked him. He also gave up a single to Curt Casali. Also, I keep forgetting Matt Kemp is on the Reds. Kikuchi struck him out, and got Puig to hit a chopper back to him that should have ended the inning, but a bad ricochet left everyone safe. Kikuchi got looked at, I panicked, but all was well, except for the run that scored.
• In the 2nd, Derek Dietrich launched one deep on Kikuchi, leading me to conclude I hate baseball.
• Kyle Lewis is (1) really big (2) seems to really have a lot of confidence in his swing and knee. I am here to advise you that this is good. I am the best analyst on staff. Shortly later, Ryon Healy absolutely smashed a baseball into the gap. This is also good. Please hire me at The Athletic.
• Gerson Bautista throws incredibly hard and I feel like you’re basically at a Vegas roulette table hoping he hits the zone. C’mon, BLACK! He fell behind 3-0 on Joey Votto but then countered that by walking him anyway. See what I did there? He escaped without damage thanks to Matt Kemp.
• Braden Bishop smashed a pinch hit RBI single to right. He continues to do good things. Later he decided to do another one and smashed his third home run of the spring. He seems fully willing and able to crush baseballs and with Mallex Smith’s injury he’s made a strong case for the team to bring him to Japan to keep a true center fielder on the roster.
• Every pitcher walked one batter. But otherwise they all did great!

I will end it there and apologize for the shortened ‘cap, necessitated by a backing up sink that made me miss a bunch of the game. I got the sink clear, though. I’m in the best plumbing shape of my life.