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FanPost Black Friday Gift Guide

Your best guide to the most cursed Mariners items available on the internet

Black Friday In Kyiv
Photo by STR/NurPhoto via Getty Images

Oh no! It’s Black Friday and your turkey, wine, and pie-induced coma caused you to sleep in and you missed all the good deals! What are you going to do for that special Mariners fan in your life? Have no fear, dear LL reader, for I have assembled a list of the most cursed and awful Mariners items on the internet for your abject dismay. And since it’s FanPost Friday, I want to hear about YOUR worst and/or most cursed Mariners item, too!

Prompt: What is the most cursed Mariners item you’ve seen or that you own?

Tell us all about it in a FanPost with images, of course, and we’ll front page the best ones over the weekend.

Now, without further ado, feast your peepers on this trash!

  1. A 2010 Mariners Official Yearbook
aw fuck

Comin’ right out the gate with some BELIEVE BIG heat, bay-beeee! This gift is PERFECT for the former Mariners blogger and current corporate shill in your life who did indeed BELIEVE BIG in the 2010 Mariners and has never been the same ever since! Watch his or her eyes drift off into a thousand yard stare as they open this bad boy and they start mumbling things like “In Z we trust” and “Eric Byrnes....pulled back on a.....suicide squeeze” before finally bursting into a heap of tears and just repeatedly screaming, “I’M SO SORRY, CLIFF. I’M SO SORRYYYYY.”

2. An empty Mountain Dew can from 1997

Now this gift is perfect for the Mariners fan in your life who is big on nostalgia AND putting toxic chemicals in his or her body! 1997 was the 20th year anniversary for the Mariners and let me tell you, life was GOOD back then, young millennials and Gen Z Mariners fans. The Mariners had just made the playoffs for the first time in 1995 (maybe you’ve heard of it??) and then in 1997 they were blasting holes in every stadium they played in with massive dingers as they set the then single season record for home runs. You what was also great in 1997? Fucking Mountain Dew, that’s what! Chuggin’ a Dew while playing Twisted Metal in your parents basement on Playstation One while blasting the Beastie Boys, what a feeling! That’s what you give with this gift...this empty can of nostalgia with Cool Ranch Doritos dust residue (probably). Soak in the memories,

PS: Look at that bullshit artist rendition of the Kingdome! That’s a fuckin’ stack of dinner plates, man. How dare you besmirch the memory of our concrete tomb stadium.

3. A Seattle Mariners comb from the late 70’s

This is a great item for the sports aesthetic nerd in your life. The one that pisses and moans about fonts and kerning on the names on the back of jerseys. The one who always says, “Man, they need to wear the throwbacks more often.” The one who always points out, “You know, the teal on the brim of the hats isn’t the same shade as the teal jerseys because they’re made by different companies. How stupid is that?” Give him or her this used comb from 1977 (probably) and watch them lose their stinkin’ mind. “Oh my god, I LOVE that yellow ancillary logo they used back then with the cool 70’s font and I LOVE how it says ‘Baseball Club’ at the bottom like people didn’t know what sport they played!” Just nod along and pretend you get it and quickly throw away the couple strands of hair that you saw fall out of the wrapping paper.

4. Mariners Knot Hole Gang pin set

a lot of Knot Hole Gang questions are not actually answered by my “Ask Me About the Knot Hole Gang” pin, it turns out

I could google this for context, but I refuse. It’s better that way. This gift is perfect either a) the Boomer Mariners fan lifer you know who may actually remember what this was or b) the absolute dipshit Mariners fan friend in your life who is just going to think this is the funniest thing they’ve ever seen. Either way, you win.

All right, friends. That’s all for now. Good hunting this holiday season and go Mariners.