41 things better than watching the Mariners play the 41-win Orioles

I did not watch the Mariners play the Orioles tonight. For those who did, you are much, much braver than I. [Ed. note: for those of us who did, I think we can all agree: Nelson Cruz is wonderful and should be extended, Denard Span deserves much better than this sad-sack offense, and Mitch Haniger makes the trains run on time. That being said, that fifth inning was full-on clownshoes and against any team that is not one of the historically worst teams in all of baseball, ever, that is a death knell. But I digress. -KP]

Instead, in honor of the Orioles’ 41wins, I made a list of 41 things better than watching the Mariners play the Orioles. Here they are:

1. When you finish listening to a podcast at the exact moment you arrive at your destination.

2. When you’re the only person in the movie theater.

3. When you’re drunk enough to know that you should not have another drink.

4. When you come home to find that someone else did the exact chore you were dreading.

5. James Paxton’s no-hitter.

6. Marco Gonzales’ 96-pitch complete game against the Royals.

7. Denard Span’s home run into Arizona’s pool.

8. Mitch Haniger’s home run against the Tigers.

9. Mitch Haniger’s home run against the Angels.

10. Mitch Haniger’s home run against the Rays.

11. Jean Segura’s home run in the All-Star Game.

12. Trading Zac Curtis, Ketel Marte, and Taijuan Walker for 2018 All-Stars Mitch Haniger and Jean Segura.

13. Jean Segura’s butt.

14. Kyle Seager’s butt.

15. Dee Gordon’s home run in the opening series against Cleveland.

16. Trying a new restaurant for the first time and ordering exactly the right thing.

17. The Mariners’ teal jerseys.

18. The Mariners’ road gray jerseys.

19. Any Mariners’ jerseys that aren’t the standard home whites.

20. Remembering that Andrew Romine is a human being with a family, and all of those people have access to the internet.

21. When a person you’ve been crushing on invites you to something.

22. When you try to cook something a little above your skill level and the food doesn’t completely suck.

23. Those fleeting moments when your coffee is at the perfect temperature.

24. Nick Vincent’s child.

25. Sandwiches. Every kind of sandwich.

26. That day in PE when your teacher would bust out one of those big-ass parachutes.

27. Ryon Healy’s hitting abilities during day games.

28. Telling nerds to beat it.

29. Edwin Díaz’s fastball.

30. Edwin Díaz’s slider.

31. Edwin Díaz relative to every other reliever.

32. Edwin Díaz relative to every other closer in Mariners’ history.

33. Having a better season than the Angels.

34. Friendship.

35. When you find a pair of sunglasses that don’t make you look like a total asshole.

36. When you send a work email and the other person responds in a timely fashion with all the information you requested. (I am so washed.)

37. Megan Rapinoe free kicks.

38. Jess Fishlock slide tackles.

39. Sue Bird jump shots.

40. Breanna Stewart’s post moves.

41. Understanding that the Storm are the most successful professional sports team in Seattle history, and throwing your unwavering support behind them in the upcoming WNBA Finals.