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Mariners somehow manage to make meaningless game feel even more meaningless

You can actually get smaller than an infinitely small number if you just get an infinitely smaller number

Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

Tonight, after work, I went to Trader Joe’s and got a pizza. I have a cold and it’s made me just lethargic enough to not actually do anything to stop the cold. I was pretty excited about it, but I ate a plum in the car, and by the time I actually got home, I wasn’t actually that hungry. Still, I made the pizza.

It came with a little separate pack of prosciutto. The pizza was like four bucks, and I’m pretty sure the pack of prosciutto by itself would be more than that. From now on, I might just buy these pizzas just for the pack of prosciutto.

The pizza itself smelled great, but it was pretty bad. There was nothing aggressively offensive about it. It was just deficient in just about every category. Or, at least, my perception of it was. I do have a cold, after all. I’m not really capable of tasting anything. Maybe my negative review of the Trader Joe’s Prosciutto and Arugula Pizza should not be taken as the ultimate indictment. I encourage you, dear reader, to try this mediocre construct of bougie Italian meat yourself and let me know what you think.

The Mariners were like the pizza in that you could easily see them being bad, but there was also a possibility of them being good, and then everyone got really excited about them, and then they ended up being bad after all.

That’s pretty much as far as the analogy goes.

The game included the following low-lights, which I could probably relate to pizza. I will, however, choose to abstain from further comparison, as the Mariners chose to abstain from doing anything further than these tonight.

  • The Mariners were shut out over 5.1 innings by rookie Josh James. Josh James is a member of the Astros bullpen, and he’s by all accounts fine, but yeesh.
  • Our hero, Nelson Cruz, went 0-for-4 with three strikeouts tonight. Please stay Nelson. I don’t know why you would, but please stay.
  • Noted Bad Hitter Ryon Healy was chosen to pinch hit for Noted Good Hitter Ben Gamel. This would have enraged me a month or two ago. It made me mildly annoyed, which is more than I’ve felt about this team in a while.
  • The Mariners were 0-for-9 with runners in scoring position and stranded 10 runners.

This is about as little dignity as a team could end the season with. Only 11 games to go.