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Chad’s big weekend in Seattle

The Mariners avoid the sweep and Chad had a great time being obnoxiously drunk all weekend

MLB: Toronto Blue Jays at Seattle Mariners
that’ll do, neli. that’ll do
Jennifer Buchanan-USA TODAY Sports

Chad Renfro woke with a start at 6:18 AM at the Silver Cloud Hotel across the street from Safeco Field. He did not remember how he got into his room last night, and he definitely didn’t remember to shut his blinds as bright sunlight was pouring into the room, casting harsh judgment on the previous night’s activities.

Chad’s head was pounding as he rolled off the bed and crawled the bathroom to immediately vacant the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Huh, Chad thought, as he stared at what appeared to be some bits of a sausage and sauerkraut. Vague memories of trying to fumble with weird American currency to give to the street vendor in exchange for street meat came hazily wandering back into his brain.

He stood up slowly, washed his face and mouth in the sink, and looked in the mirror. Staring back were bloodshot eyes, male pattern baldness, and a deep-seated feeling of ennui and shame. Chad suddenly remembered the heckling. Oh, man, the heckling. He remembered high-fiving his fellow countrymen from B.C. and Alberta while pointing and laughing at dour-looking Mariners fans. He remembered seeing a small boy in Jean Segura jersey, crying while holding his mother’s hand, leaving the ball park. He recalled slurring out “There’s no cryin’ in baseballlll, eh???” and then the ensuing death glare he received from the mother as he stumbled by. Man, Chad thought, maybe I should take it easy today.

It was the sixth inning. Kyle Seager had just hit his first home run since July 4. He’d go on to hit another in the bottom of the seventh. Chad was baking in the sun, wearing his blue Justin Smoak jersey for maximum trolling effect, and was 7 or 8 beers deep. He could sense that the Jays might not pull of the sweep the today, but was already more than satisfied with the series win. Not bad for a team 8 games under .500, Chad mused.

It was the bottom of the seventh inning. Home runs from Nelson Cruz and Kyle Seager had finally given the Mariners a decent lead for the first time all series. Chad figured he’d quit while he was still ahead and start his journey back to Surrey. The sun was starting to get to him, after all.

On his way to find the chartered coach bus back to the motherland, Chad stumbled and tripped over a curb. His iPhone X went flying out his hand, hit the side of a Seattle Police cruiser, and then hit the pavement with a sickening slap. He quickly scurried over to pick it up. There was a scuff mark on side of the police cruiser from the phone’s impact. Chad looked at the shattered screen on his phone. “I probably deserved that one, eh?” Chad muttered to himself. He looked up from his broken phone to find a police officer walking toward him, frowning.

“How ya doin’ there, buddy?” the officer demanded, rather than asked.

“Officer, I’m am so, so soooorry! I tripped and my phone flew out of my hand, I’m so sorry,” Chad pleaded.

The officer stared at the scuff on his cruiser for a few seconds, hands on hips. Then he stared back at the drunk, slightly swaying Canadian. After a pause that felt like an eternity to Chad, the officer sighed loudly.

“Go the fuck home,” the officer said.

Chad nodded, nearly in tears. He barely squeaked out a “Thank you, sir” and scampered off to try to find his bus home.

The Mariners won today, 6-3, avoiding the sweep by the Blue Jays. The entire offense was Nelson Cruz with an assist from the previously dormant Kyle Seager. The annual Blue Jays fan invasion of Safeco Field is finally over and maybe, just maybe this team can continue to get back on its feet against the Rangers. Get back to it, Mariners. Still a long ways to go.