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Recipe for a four game sweep of the Astros


Seattle Mariners v Houston Astros
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

*Note: Set timer to 10 innings, prior to starting recipe

3 Mitch Haniger hits. Must be added immediately before proceeding with recipe

5 innings of scoreless baseball from Erasmo Ramírez. Sharpen prior to use, as Ramírezes can grow dull without use, to ensure maximum success (ie three hits allowed, with 54 strikes out of 79 against one of the top offenses in baseball)

11 Mariners hits

2 Ryon Healy RBIs

2 home runs, preferably comically mammoth ones from strong men like Healy or Mike Zunino. For extra flavor, doubt heavily prior to dingers.

1 Mariners base on balls. Must be measured out precisely, so as to avoid an excess of plate discipline.

1 James Pazos, sans command

1 Nick Vincent purely for color, not flavor

1 Dee Gordon pinch hit, flash fried for maximum win

1 big ‘ol L for human L Roberto Osuna

1 Edwin Díaz save, juiced till dry

3 preceding victories

Add pepper and Astros fans to taste