Guide to Seattle Mariners Tasteless Merchandise

Marketing, they say, is a necessary evil. I guess that’s probably a thing multiple people have said, and therefore I can say that “they” say that. There are seven billion people, you know. They say a lot of things. But even they could not hardly have come up with these items from the MLB.com shop, branded with the logos of yourrrrrrrrrrrrr Seattle Mariners! These are the Chone Figginses of Mariners merchandise. The Adam Linds. The Jack Wilsons. Dammit, Jack Wilson.

Seattle Mariners x Carhartt hat

This appears to be unavailable online at this point. Maybe you can get it in store, if the store is located in the mountains far from civilization. But honestly, I hear Carhartt makes fine clothing for the working man. I wouldn’t know; I have the soft palms of an office dweller, or late-career Félix Fermín. While Carhartt has an upstanding, blue-collar reputation, you know what isn’t upstanding and blue-collar? Wearing a hat that looks like you mixed Desert Storm with a weird corporate branding campaign.

Vineyard Vines Mariners Quarter Zip

In my head, I have constructed an elaborate backstory whereby the only person to buy this is one of the Romney sons, who spent one long summer in the PNW, fell in love, lost that love, and now spends his summers wearing this pullover on the Cape as the Saddest Bro of Them All. I’m so sorry, Tugg.

Seattle Mariners Silk Rose

Ordinarily I would have some questions of my own, such as “Why?”, but let’s see what the Blog Boss thinks of this.

““Prove you are the Seattle Mariners #1 fan with this Seattle Mariners Silk Rose!” What a lifesaver. Now when men at the bar try to test me on my baseball fandom, I can just whip out this Mariners-branded silk rose and brandish it at them.”

Yeah, I’ll just leave it there.

Rosewood Cornhole Game

Usually, I’d say whatever, cornhole isn’t exactly a baseball fan game, but who cares? You do you, fans. However, the team store also sells this regular cornhole set for $150 less. If you’re going to play cornhole, you don’t blow a wad of extra cash for the rosewood set. You play it on MDF or plywood because that is what our forefathers would have done at Valley Forge. Don’t embarrass them.

Minimalist Mariner Moose Print

I like the Moose. It harkens to the team’s geographic roots, it’s campy, it’s not something out of a Benicio Del Toro fever dream; it’s a good mascot, mouse. But if you’re going minimalist, I feel like there’s always better choices than a mascot. Any mascot. Maybe this actually very neat minimalist Kingdome print, which made me feel six years old again for a brief second!

Also, this Moose poster has a very elf-on-the-shelf vibe, and I like him too much to condemn him to that fate.

Seattle Mariners 16oz Halloween Pint Glass

I’ve never really understood decorative holiday-specific glassware. It’s nice enough, as a niche item, but boy it’s a lot of work and who’s going to spend their Saturday morning obeying their wife’s call to “Drag out the Valentine’s Day wine glasses from the garage, JEFFREY”? That said, if you’re going to go that route anyway, you could at least make it classy. What on earth is this abomination? Here’s a hint for you, MLB: stop hiring the graphic design equivalent of Guy Fieri to produce your teamware. I could design a better halloween pint glass than this, and I can’t even draw a house with four straight walls.

The Walt Disney Memorial Section

“Join Mickey, as he leads the charge for the Mariners to... checks notes Surrender the AL West!”

I have nothing to say. The concept of “Rally Ears” has left me spiralling into a bizarre melancholy, where I will contemplate the meaning of existence, and why Hector Noesi threw so many innings for the Mariners for all those years. MY RALLY EARS NEVER WORKED, HECTOR.

This is a close cousin of the Rally Ears sweatshirt. Fun fact: this image of Mickey is a close-up still of a game he pitched in 1992 for the Mariners against the Rangers. He got in Ranger DH Goofy’s face for pimping a home run. RESPECT THE GAME, GOOFY.

Navy Rugged Adjustable Hat

Pair this sucker with a loud windbreaker—preferably with some jagged multicolored slashes on the front—and baby, you got an early 1990s Mariner outfit stew going! Also, why is the logo so small? Are you only supposed to wear this hat if you’re a committed violator of personal space? If so, I expect it to be VERY popular on my bus very soon. A lot of sales opportunities there, Mariners. A. Lot.

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Images courtesy of MLB.com and twitter.com/mariners. Special thanks to Kate and Matthew for helping me find these items/gaze in amazement into the abyss of misfired marketing attempts.