Mariners Bunt Game Away in 8th Bunting, Texas Bunters Bunt Many Bunts Home, Win

Christian Bergman did yeoman’s work today for the Seattle Mariners, pitching 7 strong innings, allowing almost no hard contact, and generally acting like a competent major league pitcher. The decision to lift him at 90 pitches is one that is sure to be revi

yeah so colby I just gotta tell ya in my day you’d never see a guy name of bergman out there we just had wallaces and smiths and you know the occasional jones but bergman is just some kinda, some kinda, I don’t even know what to call it, you know what it sounds like? a BUNT. bunts are so beautiful, gosh, I just hear bergman and I think of the most beautiful bunt you

The 8th inning was a house of horrors in Seattle today; it gave us such a beautiful tease of Marc Rzepczynski’s usefulness, courtesy of Jeff Bannister stacking left-handers in his lineup like sandbags in Florida awaiting the hurricane with the longest, most polish name of all time. And indeed the Winds of Rzepczynski (tm) swept away those sandbags, allowing the Mariners to escape undamaged from the 8th inning just in time for Kyle Seager to tie the game in the 9th—oh. Oh no.

see now kyle seager plays over at third base, real close to the bag if it’s the way I like, none of this shift garbage, and he just, just, he goes out there and he wants to be on his bag, because if something’s gonna come his way you know what it’s probably gonna be? a BUNT. just the most beautiful thing, you see a bunt, beatin’ one of those shifts, one of those real high-spin-rate shifts, and you just know that they may come in with their numbers and their fancy “pitcher win” stats, but they’re never gonna take be able to beat the sheer brute power on display when you see a real good bunt and that’s what kyle seag

I wonder what a future civilization would think if the first artifact of our time they found was this game tape. I suppose their archaeologists, or whatever they call them, would spend decades constructing elaborate theories surrounding The One They Called Butthole, and how these poor fools worshipped him, lavishing praise upon him in the midst of a great green field. Humongous rows of seats were constructed to yield a better look at the gum-masticating deity, and certain sacrificial victims were clad in white and led out, one at a time, for the intricate ritual whereby they were offered to the Large and Sexual One to feast upon, then led away to face the beast again a short time later.

Oh, wait, we just had to listen to Harold Reynolds fawn all over Bartolo Colon before watching our team collapse in the span of about 12 minutes. I think I’d rather have been sacrificed.

well now bartolo colon has been in baseball for a long time, real long time, and I just love watching him pitch, you see him do it, he don’t care about numbers or fast throwing or saber-cholesterol, he just goes out there and he shows you every day how there’s an artistry in pitching, sort of like this grasshopper, you ever eat a grasshopper? I haven’t, but I eat these every day, they’re real live grasshoppers, toasted dead at safeco field and served, anyway, colon is sort of like that, and he is putting on a clinic, puts a tear in my eyes, makes me wanna stand up and salute, that sorta thing, bartolo colon has never in his life let the defense put on a shift, isn’t that amazing?

Today represented another step forward in Dee Gordon’s maturation process as a center fielder. Sadly, necessity dictates that the process be placed on hold in a few more days, as the Robinson Canó suspension reshuffles positions and roster moves. In the meantime, Dee made a few nice plays out in center field, ranging all the way back to crash into the wall catching a deep Shin-Soo Choo drive in the 4th inning. It’s probably the right call, but it’s a real shame that he’s going to lose out on valuable live-ball development over the course of the summe

now dee gordon here’s a guy I just love, absolutely love, I was talkin’ to him last night and boy I tell you I told him just what I’m gonna tell you right now and that’s this, that for a guy like him, the speed he got, ain’t no reason he shouldn’t hit .320, that’s what his team needs, not hitting down at .230, and the best way to do that is a BUNT, yessir, Dee should be dropping bunts every time he’s at bat, doesn’t matter if they got 5 infielders clustered right around home plate, see, because the thing about a guy like this bunting is that it reminds me of the time they called up Alex Rodriguez and I just wanted to know if he could bunt, and they said yeah but he could do other stuff good too, and I said, well who cares, he can bunt?!

Here’s the thing about this game: it’s the game we deserved for willingly putting up with the inanity of facebook as the sole means of watching this game live. Here are some highlights from facebook for this game:

1. Kyle Seager is on heroin
2. If you don’t like the facebook comments, watch it on TV [ed. this was impossible]
3. The passed ball play at the plate is the most exciting play in baseball. [ed. this one was Harold Reynolds but it might as well have been a facebook comment, along with every other word out of his blathering logos-bereft mouth]

I don’t want to say our nation is going to be ruined by facebook and Harold Reynolds. But if it were, and you and I, dear reader, were left roaming Cascadia ripping apart the hulks of burned cars for bits of dried goods (hopefully we have more arm strength than Andrew Romine in this scenario), we wouldn’t have to watch baseball games like this while listening to Harold Reynolds any more. Sometimes when I think about it that way I start to root for the meteor.