Mariners smush irritating gnat of Minnesota, wash hands, return to Seattle

First of all, how dare you, Minnesota.

How dare you sit there, so smugly, in the north central part of the country. Trying to pretend like you’re quaint and cozy and unassuming down south, like Iowa, but once you hit Duluth WHOA BABY all bets are off. Flanking the Dakotas gives you a sense of superiority, but you’re far too close to Winnipeg for any misplaced elitism. And what the ever-loving heck is the deal with Angle Inlet?

We appreciated the unintentional sacrifice your football team made back in 2016, but maybe now you could take Blair Walsh back? Even that game was nonsense - the third-coldest game in NFL history - with a -6 thermometer reading at kickoff and -25 windchill. But hey, at least the game carried on, because the builders of U.S. Bank Stadium had the brilliant (and, apparently, revolutionary) idea to make it an enclosed stadium since, you know, it’s in the middle of the American tundra*.

This game was never supposed to happen. Well, it was supposed to have happened back at the beginning of April, as part of a three-game series. Instead the Mariners, who travel more than any other team in the majors, were trapped in the Midwest during what was supposed to be a precious off-day/travel day. To add insult to injury, the game was pushed back an hour and 42 minutes because of a rain delay.

Everyone on the field looked as lethargic and irritated to be playing as I felt while watching except, perhaps, Wade LeBlanc, who threw six scoreless innings and allowed only three hits. Through five innings the Mariners and the Twins combined to tally a rousing five hits. Jake Odorizzi dared to hit Nelson Cruz in the sixth, and then, with all their righteous niceness the Twins had the audacity to challenge the call. The only run the Mariners scored all game was in the eighth when Dee Gordon doubled, and Jean Segura meant to sacrifice bunt, but Logan Morrison had had enough and chucked the ball into right field. Even the good stuff was garbage.

Sorry, what was that?

Oh, the Mariners actually won? We should be happy?

Nah**. Screw that. How dare this ghosts-of-Christmas-past game have stolen 2 hours and 53 minutes of my life.

Thank goodness they’re back in Seattle tomorrow.

*Note: Having a roof does not absolve U.S. Bank Stadium of its sins. It has been responsible for more than double the bird deaths of any other building in Minneapolis, and for that Minnesota must pay.

**Look, if you really want to be happy about this monstrosity, here are three things to be happy about:

1. Wade LeBlanc doing good things, which we must always treasure.
2. Edwin Díaz coming in to close, taking one look at his surroundings and thinking absolutely not, and promptly striking out Brian Dozier, Max Kepler, and Eduardo Escobar on 13 total pitches - the final strike of each at-bat being a swinging strike.
3. It only lasted 2 hours and 53 minutes.