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Seattle Mariners nearing one year deal with Ichiro, shove fanbase into chasm of existential crises

Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Boston Red Sox v Seattle Mariners
My sentiments exactly
Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

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ICHIRO ICHIRO ICHIRO ICHIRO ICHIRO ICHIRO

ichiro

Ichiro!

Ichiro?

Ichiro?!

Ichiro

Ichiro

For real? (Oh yes!)

For real? (Oh no!)

Help

How do you say no to a franchise icon? A baseball icon?

How do you say yes to a 44-year-old outfielder?

How do you say no to Dee Gordon and Ichiro in the same lineup, patrolling the outfield together?

How do you say yes to spending money to fill a temporary gap when the rotation is one exposed sprinkler head away from tragedy?

At what point does nostalgia become weakness?

How long can pride in our past compensate for frustration with our present?

Does this signal the end? Of what? The end of stifling logic? The end of denying small measures of joy in favor of righteous rightness? Or the end of reasonable playoff hopes for 2018? The end of enchantment with the organization?

Can we celebrate something that brings us emotional happiness, while also recognizing that it might not be the very best practical decision?

How soon will he injure himself?

Would this have happened if Gamel was healthy?

How long will the standing ovation for his first at-bat back in a Mariners uniform last?

When will the team announce an Ichiro promotion?

How are we supposed to focus throughout the rest of this day?

How are we supposed to wait so many minutes, hours, days, and weeks until the baseball is real and this isn’t all simply a fever dream?

Will my old jersey still fit?

Will his?