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Mariners re-sign Christian Bergman in desperate attempt to reignite hot stove to avoid hypothermia

It’s so cold in here, Jerry. It’s so cold.

Seattle Mariners v Minnesota Twins
yeah i took fernando’s number, what of it? aw jeez this natural deodorant is trash
Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

To poorly paraphrase fictional character Commissioner Gordon, Christian Bergman was “the hero Seattle deserved, but not the one it needed” in 2017. Wait, that’s not right. It should probably be flipped. Stupid Gary Oldman. Anyways, our favorite Puscifer-loving starting pitcher is back in the Mariners minor league system.

Let’s hope this is the nadir of Mariners offseason news.

Still, since many fans threw a fit when the Mariners let Andrew Albers go try to be “Big in Japan,” let’s not just shrug away news about a (presumably) healthy arm in the system. If Bergman throws 54 innings in 2018, then something likely went terribly wrong. But depth is depth, and this goatee-sporting, black-and-white-film-villain-lookin’ son of a gun is good for depth.

Bergman joins a group of players who were reportedly signed to minor league contracts, as well, in addition to fellow returners RHP Casey Lawrence and INF Gordon Beckham.

Yonathan’s Twitter bio simply states, “The baseball is my life!” This guy gets it.