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Mariners Exceed Weekly Quota of Good Things, Risk Worldwide Shortage

Photo by Stephen Brashear/Getty Images

SEATTLE — Widespread unrest has gripped the globe on Sunday as the Seattle Mariners reportedly exceeded their weekly allowance of Good Things, or as it’s better known, GT. The abstract currency has recently become a hot point of contention among global leaders as supplies have become increasingly hard to come by.

While the origin of the GT shortage has been as of yet undetermined, leaders have been forced to implement a worldwide ration. The United Nations (or UN) recently voted to allow each business entity a certain allotment of GT, with the allotted amount said to depend on both the size of the entity and the entity’s history of GT consumption.

It came as no surprise when last week, the UN’s official GT Allotment Team assigned the Seattle Mariners a maximum of six (6) GT per week. While a typical entity the size of the Seattle Mariners would be assigned at least 20 GT per week, a UN source speaking under condition of anonymity said that “we just didn’t think the Mariners would really know what to do with more than six GT, and we couldn’t justify keeping it from someone who could actually, you know, use it.”

Adopting a strategy of delayed gratification, the Mariners made it through the first four days of the week without using a single one of their allotted GTs. Friday night’s win behind Mike Leake, featuring both a solid Leake outing and a Mike Zunino home run, consumed two. A Saturday night comeback victory from a 6-2 deficit culminating in shortstop Jean Segura wearing a bubble gum tub as a helmet consumed at least three more.

The Mariners went into Sunday, then, with a mere one GT to spend. In order to come away with a victory and a sweep, the team was going to have to get creative. And amazingly, there could be few things as creative (read: absurd) as what Andrew Albers almost did to the Athletics.

Aside from merely making Khris Davis look silly, Andrew Albers took a perfect game into the 4th and a no-hitter into the 6th. He is certainly one of the team’s top two pitchers at the moment. There are few things more out-of-the-box than putting Mariners Twitter on Albers no-no alert, and it appeared the team might be able to pull out this win without exceeding their quota.

Albers’ performance was coupled with a Robinson Cano two-run dinger in the 1st inning. Though this season has left a little to be desired with Cano, a Cano dinger is officially classified by the UN as “not that weird,” and therefore does not count toward the Mariners’ official allotment of GT. With Albers clearly using up the team’s only available GT, it looked like the Mariners were home free.

Unfortunately, after a Cano RBI single put the team up 3-0 in the 4th inning, Carlos Ruiz went and blew up the whole facade in the 6th with a solo dinger.

Even when Chooch managed to do something well, it came with a massive caveat.

At that point, it was clear that the team had used at least two GT on the day and had thus exceeded their allotment. Despite a 4-1 lead, a dark cloud now hung over the team. But then Jean Segura, Robinson Cano, Nelson Cruz, and the rest of the team looked at the happy, carefree Ruiz sitting on the dugout bench. Had he screwed them all over? Or had he perhaps shown them how to break their chains?

Fuck it, they decided. Tired of being screwed over, the Mariners appeared to collectively give the UN a composite middle finger. First, Mitch Haniger decided to finish coming back to life, which used at least three GT.

In the 8th, everyone joined in the fun. Never one to be held back by the abstract nature of international law, Chooch doubled to start the inning. Following his lead and seizing their freedom, Jean Segura, Yonder Alonso, Robinson Cano, Nelson Cruz, and Kyle Seager each consecutively singled. Mitch Haniger and Ben Gamel both grounded out to get RBI’s (they’ll take what they can get), and the Mariners emerged from the inning with a 10-2 lead.

And as if that weren’t enough, Scott Servais had been watching. Previously the grand-daddy of kowtowing to the UN, Scott felt something awaken inside him as he watched his team flip secretary-general Antonio Guterres the bird. He gave the team their eighth GT of the day by sending out soon-to-be phenom Shae Simmons to the hill. On Simmons’ birthday, no less. Simmons delivered, topping off at 97 MPH and making Matt Chapman look pretty silly to finish the game.

The Mariners finished their Sunday at eight GT’s on the day, for a total of 14 on the week. More than double their weekly allotment. While initial reactions from economists seem to indicate an expectation of sanctions to come, global political experts are worried.

Could the Mariners’ blatant rejection of their imposed suckishness embolden other entities to do the same thing? Could this be a year of up-to-now asinine entertainment outlets suddenly feeling like they can be good? The upcoming premier of The Big Bang Theory could be a telling indicator.

Regardless of possible incoming sanctions, it would have been hard to script a better Sunday for the Mariners. They emerge from the weekend with a sweep of the Athletics and gained a spot in the Wild Card race, and now look to take on the Astros. Hopefully the team can take this new attitude and run with it against Houston.

Go M’s.