A Player Hater’s Ball for the Player’s Weekend Uniforms

The initial reveal of the Player’s Weekend uniforms just dropped and it’s a doozy:

Okay. As Lookout Landing’s self-appointed baseball uniform sartorial expert, I am here to guide you through this brave new world of baseball weirdness that has been thrust upon us as fans. First of all, I think this is a great idea. Giving the players a bit of real estate to express themselves is really cool and something that MLB has frowned upon greatly in the past. I’m not sure what caused this change or who signed off on this, but props for being brave.

Now. Let’s talk execution. Because it is VERY BAD at first blush.

First thing that jumps off the screen to me is the color of the hat. What the fuck is that? That is not part of any Mariners color scheme and I will not honor it. Also, IT DOESN’T MATCH THE JERSEY WHICH IS LITERALLY PRIORITY NUMBER ONE FOR A HAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Second thing is color of the jerseys. The green is close enough to the color of the seats of Safeco Field and the general branding of the stadium, so I’m sort of okay with it. The blue on the sleeves, however, is not part of the Mariners color scheme either. It’s too bright.

Moving on. They are pullovers. That is cool. I’m fine with that. Mix it up a little bit. The Mariners currently have no pullovers amongst their official jerseys. Few teams do because it’s retro.

Now let’s get to the good part, the nicknames. While those of us who remember the 90’s may be reminded of certain XFL jerseys, I do think this is a cool idea if all the players truly embrace it and have fun with it. Well, apparently players were allowed to opt out completely because if you’ll notice, our boys Ben Gamel and Mike Zunino opted the hell out. Which is insane because both have plenty of nicknames, ranging from awful to awesome. So, way to go, dummies. I mean, Mike, you’ve been here 5 years. Just go with “Z” for crying out loud. Come on, buddy.

Let’s do top 3, bottom 3.

TOP 3

1. Kyle Seager - COREY’S BROTHER: This is brilliant. Kyle gets it. Good job, Kyle. Proud of you.
2. Jean Segura - EL MAMBO: I had no idea this was Jean’s nickname, but I LOVE IT. Perfect.
3. Guillermo Heredia - EL CONDE: While it’s not his Manny Acta-given nickname, El Chocolate de Matanzas, El Conde (“The Count”) was G’s nickname back in Cuba. Tee Miller approves, as well, I’m sure.

Honorable Mention goes to James Pazos for PAPA PAZ because it’s so bad that it’s good. He is not a dad, but maybe the bullpen sees him as a father figure? I don’t know, but it does have a nice alliteration/flow to it, so I approve.

BOTTOM 3

1. Robinson Cano - DON’T YOU KNOW: I have so many problems with this, I’m not sure where to start. If he’s referencing when Dave Sims gives him the Midwestern-tinged home run call, “Robbie Cano, Dontcha Know?” then he or someone fucked this all up because A) its wording is too proper and B) there is no question mark. I have a feeling there’s an obscure rule about no question marks on jerseys, but I refuse to look it up. This sucks because the coolest player on the team has the worst nickname jersey. Unacceptable and I am mad about it.
2. Yovani Gallardo - YO: You don’t get a nickname that cool, Yovani. You gotta earn that. You haven’t earned a damn thing. Sorry.
3. Tony Zych - T.A.Z.: I take it these are his initials? Cool, Tony. Just tell the world you own no fewer than 20 Tasmanian Devil Looney Tune shirts while you’re at it.

Like I said, I’m excited to see Major League Baseball try new things. But that doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of their bobo-ass execution of these new ideas along the way in hopes that someday they’ll get it right.

Thank you for your time.