None of you asked for this, but in keeping with storied Lookout Landing history we decided to create this purely for our own enjoyment, and also because "Zunino"? Come on, Mike. You're so much better than that.
Felix Hernandez: “Blue Cheese”
Some insist it’s good, but at this point it’s just old and rotten.
Or, as an alternative for those of us who have a grown-up palate and enjoy blue cheese: not the easy squeeze cheese you grew up with, but something aged and refined.
Accessories: Prepare to see the world’s first pair of Christian Louboutin studded cleats. Excellent for when Josh Reddick gets a little sloppy with where he’s putting his feet trying to beat out a GIDP.
Tony Zych: “Bazilizk”
DON’T LOOK HIM IN THE EYES OH MY GOD WHATEVER YOU D-
Accessories: Emerald Green cap and camo everything else.
Patch: Honors his hometown, a Bass Pro Shop
James Paxton: “Kevin Spacey”
Accessories: A healthy pectoral muscle. Line to donate starts to the left.
Andrew Albers: "Albers"
In progressively smaller letters, so that by the time you get to where the "b" should be you can't tell what exactly it is, and so his name ceases to carry any meaning at all, because Andrew Albers is no one and Andrew Albers is everyone.
Accessories: Everything the same as Paxton’s, but smaller, older, and slower.
Kyle Seager: “The Belt”
More utilitarian than flashy, but can still do some damage on your ass if you aren’t careful.
Accessories: Kyle decides to let his figurative hair down and really go wild this weekend with beige cleats, an ecru arm sleeve, tan wristbands, and eggshell batting gloves.
Mike Zunino: “Bob Barker”
Because we are obsessed with having him fixed.
Accessories: All our hopes and dreams. They’re very heavy accessories.
Nelson Cruz: “P.O.D.”
Here comes the boom. (Prayer hands emoji)
Accessories: Tiny picture frames suspended upon each of his eyebrows recognizing the works of art they are. Actual booming stick he is allowed to detonate after each of his home runs.
Ben Gamel: “Pumpkin”
After the clock strikes midnight...this pumpkin keeps hitting and wins the god damn batting title. Except he smashes himself to pieces with his reckless play in the outfield, his grit making up for his lack speed and good routes.
Accessories: Handy footlocker to store the extra square feet of jawline
Mitch Haniger: “Uncle Jessie” (Full House Version)
He ain’t your dad, but dammit if he ain’t cool.
Accessories: Pocket sized copies of The Shock Doctrine he hands out around the infield as he makes a trip around the bases, 90s-era Subaru that runs on vegetable oil to take him to and from the outfield (bonus: decreases injury risk)
Dan Altavilla: “Chip Skylark”
His shiny teeth that sparkle!
Accessories: Unfortunately the press release bans white accessories, but maybe Dan could make a brief run to Two Big Blondes on Capitol Hill and pick up something sequined or spangled, if it doesn’t bring back too many jarring memories of rookie dress-up day from last year.
Taylor Motter: “Meet Joe Dirt”
That hairline, though…
Accessories: A copy of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” a Costco box of lint rollers, and a Triple A tour book for Tacoma and the South Puget Sound. Also camo. A lot of camo.
Sam Gaviglio: “Mouse” ; gray/dirty uni
In the Matrix with the big boys, but a little young and spends his time worrying about the logistics of chicken. Age and innocence makes him adorable yet expendable.
Accessories: Knit hat, sunglasses, laptop, and a bowl of cereal.
Nick Vincent: “Bald Bull” ; yellow/white uni
Punch Out’s most intimidating and easily beatable foe. Comes straight at you, nothing tricky, but can still take you out if your timing sucks.
Accessories: Boxing shorts, wax for head.
Patch: Honors his hometown of San Diego with a cityscape made entirely of his beard trimmings stuck on with zinc oxide
Carlos Ruiz: “Tuco” (Breaking Bad) ; red Hawaiian shirt uni
Certainly not the biggest part of the show, but integral to keep things rolling and stands as a placeholder until the true threats to take root and explode onto the scene.
Accessories: Old-fashioned button-up long sleeve, gold chains, water pistol, ziploc with sugar
James Pazos: “Shark Repellant” ; gray/blue uni
Who the f**k thought you would end up needing this? Where would we be without it? EATEN BY A SHARK, that’s where. Now you never leave the batcave without it, because man, sharks suck.
Accessories: Can of mace, optional blue cape and stuffed shark.
Yovani Gallardo: “El Guapo” ; yellow/brown uni
Mmm, mmm. Lookin good for someone who just turned… “33” years old.
Accessories: A yellow/brown sweater and a plethora of pinatas. Also, sad eyes.
Marc Rzepczynski: “R”
For the sake of brevity. And spelling.
Accessories: A laminated Scrabble dictionary that will be boxed carefully and placed gingerly in the corner until the weekend is over.
Edwin Diaz - “Double Double”
Because he can give you a heart attack with extra base hits, or he can throw a baseball so fast batters see double. There’s no middle ground, is the fun part.
Accessories: Zebra-striped wristbands, leopard-spotted arm sleeve, cheetah-print shoes, symbolizing that this Double Double is served Animal-style (wild, and a little dangerous).
Emilio Pagán: “The Rise”
Pagán isn’t the first Mariner reliever with a fastball that produces some extreme spin rate (see: Vincent, Nick), but sometimes it seems like his staggering fly ball rate and proclivity for pop-outs are a borderline superpower.
Accessories: Platform shoes, jetpack for emergency purposes in order to escape dubious bullpen management decisions
Guillermo Heredia: “Tesla”
He vibrates with the energy of a Tesla coil and looks like he might actually give a shock to any catcher who strays too far into his path as he spins, Tazmanian Devil-esque, across the plate.
Accessories: fanny pack that expands like Hermione’s magic bag to fit in never-ending orders of Olive Garden breadsticks.
Yonder Alonso: “Over There”
Because Over Yonder is too obvious.
Accessories: Pitbull discography, Billy Beane’s watch, and a Big Dogs t-shirt.
Casey Lawrence: Triangle Man
Because his head is literally a triangle
David Phelps: “Not a Strong Swimmer”
Just to clear up any confusion.
Accessories: Life jacket, elbow-shaped ice pack, and signed glamour shot of Ichiro posing with the Home Run Sculpture at Marlins Park.
Ariel Miranda: “Survivor”
Who’s got two thumbs, a good fastball, and could presumably outlast all other players in feats of strength and mental fortitude? Ariel Goddamn Miranda, that’s who. Oh yeah—and he’s the only Mariners pitcher not to get voted off the island (read: remain in the starting rotation) all year.
Accessories: Nothing but a little baseball glove and lot of grit. And maybe like a supple net for catching fish, I don’t know what they do on that TV show anymore.