Recap: Mariners Play Baseball, Either Win or Lose

The Mariners took on the [OPPONENT’S] today -- the day of Slamming the Summer -- in [CITY], and they played the baseball so darn [ADJECTIVE], resulting in a [SCORE] to [SCORE] [OUTCOME]. The hometown nine now sits at [WINS] and [LOSSES] on the year, [NUMBER] games back of a wild card birth.

[STARTING PITCHER] was [ADJECTIVE] when [VERB-ING] baseballs from the hill. His [PRIMARY PITCH] was [ADJECTIVE], resulting in [NUMBER] whiffs. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, a moving picture must be worth at least five thousand, so take a look at this while I fill my quota in the easiest way possible:

[PLACEHOLDER GIF 1]

Surprisingly, [SHITTY BENCH PLAYER] stepped up and really played his [ORGAN] out [IF LOST: , but it wasn’t enough] to lead the Mariners to glorious victory. I mean, just look at this play from the [NUMBER] inning, and judge for yourself.

[PLACEHOLDER GIF 2]

While just a silly game, today made me feel [EMOTION], and I am sure you feel the same. It’s very [EMOTION] to watch the team [OUTCOME] like they did today, in [ADJECTIVE] fashion. Sometimes, putting these emotions into coherent stories is tough when you’re a human made of flesh and blood who is capable of feeling things, so here’s a few scattered thoughts:

• Scott Servais struggled to properly manage the bullpen. I know there’s a learning curve, but we’re almost through year [YEAR - 2015] and he’s still acting like a nincompoop. [NOTE: DO NOT REMOVE, THIS IS CONSTANT, EVEN IN COMPLETE GAMES]
• [NAME] was DFA’d after the game. He does not belong on an MLB roster and should go unclaimed and be sent to Tacoma.
• The home plate umpire, [NAME], was [NEGATIVE ADJECTIVE]. I, for one, would welcome our new [NOUN] overlords.
• Sometimes you’ve just got to ask yourself, should [PLAYER] really be allowed to swing away on a 3-0 count? I’m all for aggressive play and looking for pitches to hit, but sometimes you have to save him from himself.

What’s next: The Mariners will be facing [NEXT OPPONENT CITY] tomorrow, and will have [PROBABLE SP] on the mound against the [NEXT OPPONENT NICKNAME]’s [OPPONENT PROBABLE SP]. Their odds of winning are approximately [INSERT NUMBER LESS THAN 50]%.