Holding a dope-ass lizard: Mitch Haniger, .256 WPA
Being scolded by a doped-up wizard: Emilio Pagán, -.120 WPA
Gold star awarded to: Ariel Miranda, for only giving up one home run, and not until the sixth inning. Progress! (Bonus: he only issued one walk!)
Platinum, diamond-encrusted star covered in all our love and gratitude: Nelson Cruz, 2-4 with a 2-run HR; now has 100 RBIs for the season, more than his 44- HR season. We love you forever, Nelson.
- Programming note: the recap will be along in a while. It’s my nephew’s birthday party and I must go for at least a little while because apparently kids only turn one once?