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A Wednesday night at the zoo with the Mariners

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A quick summary of what was all happening in today’s 5-1 loss.

Pygmy Hippopotamus

Huffington Post

Much like competent shortstops in Mariners franchise history, Pygmy Hippopotamuses are extremely endangered and there may be fewer than 2,000 left in the wild. They are much less aggressive than their full-sized counterparts, and occasionally are prone to errors due to their peculiar center of gravity.

Rhinoceros

“Get em Kyle.” “Thanks Justin.”

When encountering new environments or places in their order, rhinos can become aggressive, resulting in increased offensive potential. The name “Rhinoceros” means “nose horn” in Greek. When multiple “nose horns” gather together it is called a crash. When multiple Seagers gather together it is called the All-Star Game. This rhino went full speed ahead into second base in the 1st inning, and would be chased home later for the only successful charge of the day.

Lion

Pinterest

Female lions do all the hunting, but male lions are always the first to eat, and you can determine their age by how dark their manes are and how long they play through a quadriceps injury. When cornered or injured, lions are ferocious, and provide the strongest protection of their weaker cubs, no matter how futile the odds. This lion did its best, going 3-for-4, but narrowly had a hunt cut short by a home run poacher named Michael Taylor.

Ostrich

Freaking News

Ostriches have the largest eyes of any land animal, but their brains are also smaller than their eyes. Two thousand years ago the Roman Emperor Heliogabalus served 600 of those ostrich brains at a feast. Due to their flightless nature they tend to specialize in narrow skill-sets, but occasionally can develop into more well-rounded, occasionally temperamental creatures. When pressed into service they provide aggressive swings of their legs, beaks, and bats, resulting in 1-for-4 days in place of a bigger, stronger, prehistoric flightless bird.

Highland Cow

My turn, Taylor. Dillon, be quiet over there.
Hillwalk Tours

Their horns are sharp, but Highland Cows have a tendency to swing and miss that makes them less dangerous than other longhorn breeds, connecting once every three attempts, while missing wildly on the others. The long hair of Highland Cows is not simply for aesthetic purposes; it protects them from extreme temperatures and replaces the outer layer of fat often found on modern breeds, which makes their beef extremely low in fat and cholesterol. You can purchase a Highland Cow for under $1,000. For their cost, they continue to produce well, although a single goes down rough with two sour glasses of Highland strikeout milk with animals in scoring position.

Hungarian ‘Racka’ Sheep

DeltaBluez Stockdogs

In replacing cows, sheep are often valued for their utility, but struggle when substituted late to produce rapid results. Little is known of the Racka Sheep’s origins, except that it first evolved in the Hungarian plains. Both males and females have the distinctive spiral horns, and the breed is praised for its durability, and versatility because it can be used to produce wool, milk, and meat. Racka Sheep are a source of great pride in Hungary, and as such have been involved in a number of the government’s gene conservation efforts. Their long-hair and distinctive style make them quite popular, even if it is often superfluous and cannot avoid an out in a pinch-hitting situation.

Okapi

Chicago Zoological Society

Strong and energetic, Okapis have the speed to leg out tough grounders and outrun throws and predators. Despite their striped appearance, Okapis are actually most closely related to giraffes and have the long, purple tongues to prove it. They were once referred to as “African unicorns” because explorers heard stories about them, but did not record seeing one in the wild until 1901. Mothers communicate with their calves through infrasonic calls that are impossible to hear with the human ear, while male okapis go 2 for 4 with competent outfield defense.

Basset Hound on a leash outside the zoo

Dog Breeders Guide

Dogs are not allowed inside zoos, particularly not Basset Hounds who are trying their best but went 0 for 4 with two strikeouts, and slobbered all over your pants before an interview.

Springbok

National Geographic

Springbok are considered one of the top ten fastest animals on land, with peak speeds of 50+ MPH. They are also well known for leaping high in the air, up to 13 feet, in an activity called pronking. When Springbok pronk they jump straight into the air, legs stiff and close together, and when their hooves touch the ground they immediately spring back up again. When they are unable to pronk with much force, however, they become increasingly vulnerable to predators and Tanners, and go 1-for-4.

Tarsier

BabaMail

Tarsier have the largest body-to-eye ratio of any land animal, which gives off the impression that they are constantly surprised to have found themselves starting regular season games for a major league baseball team. Their head is capable of rotating 180 degrees, which is useful when wanting to see how far Anthony Rendon home runs travel (hint: 391 feet, at 100 MPH). From 1921-2008 not a single, living Tarsier was seen.

Meerkat

Scott Lyons

The sociable, and endearing nature of meerkats is very well known- the species had a long-running television show on Animal Planet that garnered the channel some of its best ratings of all time. Though baseball is a very social game, meerkats might be better off seeking alternate forms of entertainment since they struck out on four pitches in a single pinch-hit appearance.

Jesus (Basilisk) Lizard

Yeah, yeah, “No religion,” but this is the name this lizard is best known as, because it has the ability to “walk” on water. In reality, when the Basilisk Lizard is threatened it leaps from a tree and lands in the water, at which point fringes of skin unfurl from their feet to create a flipper like effect, which then allows them to swiftly churn their legs and create tiny air pockets that keep them above the water. They can travel up to five feet like this, though it is alarmingly nerve-wracking to watch. Tonight they were not terribly threatened, and managed to pitch a single scoreless inning, with one strikeout.

Ring-Tailed Lemur

A live look at the Mariners’ bullpen
Breonna Fain

These lemurs are most commonly known for the PBS hit “Zoboomafoo,” their distinctive facial hair/stirrup socks combo, and for inexplicably possessing the most difficult-to-hit fastball in MLB in 2016. They were not exceptionally noteworthy tonight, with a quiet scoreless inning in the eighth. There are no firm facts, but it is believed that Ring-Tailed Lemurs floated to Madagascar on “rafts” of vegetation, and that they are capable of not giving up home runs during outings.

Softshell ‘Pancake’ Turtle

Soft-shell turtles have become an incredibly popular pet, and are frequently cited as being great display animals, but are very difficult to care for in captivity. They do not survive well in over-crowded spaces, or in late-inning high leverage situations. Soft-shell turtles are the species most commonly used in turtle soup, and most frequently cursed when the bullpen blows a lead. In an uncharacteristic outburst of emotion that was still in keeping with its demure nature, the Pancake Turtle said of his flock, “We’ve got to pick up our intensity. I’ve had about enough of this.”

So have we, pal.