Mariners Continue to be Unfailingly Polite House Guests, Refrain From Scoring Runs

Bergman daddy, I'm number one / Hitter came at me wrong, so we got him done

Fuckin' with the fam, I'ma give him some / Painted that corner, still gave up some runs

Friday had a whole country singing my song / Why didn’t they send Motter home?

Fuckin' with some Mariners, that game was long / Been a rook in the game, now Overton’s(?) on the throne

Man, embedding such a bombastic tune would work so much better after a victory, but dammit, boring Friday game creativity only grants me so much material, so here we are.

Yes, the Mariners lost again to the Blue Jays with an even more putrid offensive performance than last night. Not sure what happened between Philadelphia and Toronto (cough NL pitching is bad cough), but the Mariners hitters could only muster 4 hits off Biagini in his second MLB start and then couldn’t take advantage of any runners in scoring position as the Toronto bullpen got out of every jam they got into.

One of the best chances the Mariners had was spoiled by this excellent catch by baseball player Steve Pearce, who seemed to have come out of nowhere on the ROOT feed to snatch this ball and crush all our hopes and dreams.

Christian Bergman aka Birdman aka Ice Bergman actually did just fine after a somewhat rocky start of not throwing many strikes. He then began to throw strikes and got through 5 innings of 3 run ball with just 1 walk. Aside from a “broken clock is right twice a day” shot from Jose Bautista that literally hit the god damn foul pole (net?), Birdman was a few lucky bounces/inches away from a very good start.

I was told by the experts that the Blue Jays are bad this season, so losing these first two game is rather disheartening, especially coming off 3 consecutive series wins and having finally just scrapped back to .500. A series split would be just fine, but holy crap, this team’s starting pitching situation is an unsustainable nightmare. Sure, you might get lucky with your AAA starter every fifth game or so and he’ll pitch over his head and your offense will show up, but this is three of every five games we’re talking. Four out of five if you’re talking opening day roster starting pitchers. It’s incredible that the Mariners are even floating around .500 at all right now.

All right, enough about that garbage ass game. Kate gave me the keys to the LL Twitter account during the game and the managing of which was way more fun than the game itself. So, now I’m going to roast the top 4 worst responses to this tweet:

Ding ding!

Sour Patch Kids, while a fine movie night snack, have no damn business in anyone’s beer. No sir, I don’t like it. Sorry, Matt. Get off my lawn, etc.

While I appreciate the sentiment, John, that Kirkland Sig Tequila isn’t going to do you any favors. 0/5, would not drink.

Damn, homie. Damn. If it were a hot August night, sure chug a COLD Keystone Light while watching some shitty baseball. But room temp? In May? What are you? A Coug? 0/10000, big bag of nopes.

And here we have darkest entry, a unmarked plastic cup of beer at CHUCK E. CHEESE’S. I actually salute this because I appreciate the inevitability of this situation as a new parent myself. Gotta do what you gotta do. 1.5/5 tiny mouse hats.

Have a good weekend everyone, and go heckin’ Mariners.