A few specks of mold on the bagel that you can kind of pinch off: Danny Valencia (0.050 WPA)
*Mitch Haniger, who left with an oblique strain in the third inning, technically had the highest WPA, but to list him here felt too much like breaking your pinky finger after already breaking every other bone in your body.
The thing at the back of your fridge which can no longer be identified: Félix Hernández (-0.316)
A few Miles for RISP? Maybe? Look, if you want to run/walk/squat/push-up tomorrow and make it fit this game, do so with the approximate equivalent of Joe West strapped to your back.