Years of drinking and “having a beer” haven’t seemed to work for this team, so Lookout Landing is undergoing a drastic blogstyle change. After all, everyone knows that bad fans are the reason why the Mariners have the longest playoff drought in the MLB. This guide breaks down your workout routine inning by inning, but there are a few things to keep an eye on throughout the game. For instance, for every stolen base you have to do five jump lunges.Any time Nelson Cruz homers you must stop whatever you’re doing and have a single-person dance party until ROOT stops replaying it. Whenever Kyle Seager makes a Gold Glove-worthy play at third you must do 30 squats in rapid succession, chanting “cor” when you squat down and “ey” when you stand up. And any time Robinson Canó visits the mound to confer with the pitcher you must do two star jumps, wherein you squat and then jump up in the air, arms outstretched. It is of paramount importance that you also, in accordance with proper star jump form, shout out “I’m a star” for each one. It is also permissible to substitute “I’m a star” with “he’s a star.”
Disclaimer: I have absolutely no exercise or fitness background whatsoever, other than my own years of working out in a desperate bid to retain some level of sanity and to rationalize my consumption of all things sweet. The following is technically feasible, but I cannot in good conscience recommend that you try it, because it’s designed to last an entire baseball game and good grief are baseball games long. Perhaps when Manfred gets his way and they’re all hour long, super-speed games, this could become a viable fitness routine.
Innings 1, 2, 3, 4:
Let’s start out with some cardio. HIIT (high intensity interval training) has been shown to burn more fat/calories and improve cardiovascular health, so we’ll alternate sprints and rests based on half innings. Ideally the half innings when the Mariners are hitting will be longer than when their opponents are up, so we’ll sprint when the M’s are on defense and slow down when they’re on offense. Iwakuma starts are considered Expert Level difficulty, and if Pedro Baez happens to enter the game you’re watching at any point just stop what you’re doing and go home. For an extra challenge you can pick certain players whose at-bats you speed up for. I recommend Danny Valencia, as a way to ease yourself into this new fitness routine.
This portion can be done while running, walking, biking, stair climbing, or elliptical-ing, but if you’re going to use the elliptical you’ve got to actually get into it, and not just glide leisurely while reading Us Weekly like my sister does (sorry Ar, I’m sure your workouts are great even though I’ve never seen you sweat in nearly two decades of your existence).
Check the score. Are the Mariners losing? Tough cookies. Continue the cardio, and ramp up the intensity on the sprints. If you can still swear out loud at the lefty strike you’re not going hard enough.
If the Mariners are winning you get a reprieve, and can use this inning as a cool down period. If you’re in a public setting, take this time to apologize to those around you whom you may have alarmed with four prior innings of swearing/cheering.
During the opponents’ at-bats do fifteen crunches for each batter. If a home run is hit you must do double that number for said hitter. On the Mariners’ side of things, this inning will require you to pay a little extra attention to the game because for each pitch swung at outside of the zone you must do five push-ups.
Congratulations, you’ve made it to the seventh inning stretch! Unfortunately for you, now is not the time to run out to the concourse to grab one final beer before they stop selling; we’ve still got work to do. In the top half of this inning you hold the plank position for every other batter. In the event of the previously mentioned Iwakuma start, I recommend limiting this to no more than three pitches per batter. In the bottom half of the inning you will alternate wall sits and sit-ups for the duration of each at-bat. If, at any point, it’s Félix Hernández pitching against Mike Trout you are permitted to pause and sit cross-legged and watch in rapt attention as the two legends face off.
Jack Zduriencik spent seven seasons trying to build a Mariners team that could make it to the postseason but, though some teams came close, he was never quite able to pull it off. The eighth inning of this workout guide is dedicated in his honor. You will do jumping jacks for the duration of two at-bats, then rest for the following at-bat. Continue with this pattern until the inning has ended. If a home run is hit by a right-handed power hitter during this Jack Z Memorial inning, you can lie on the floor in the corpse pose until the inning is done.
For the conclusion of the game get back on your treadmill/bike/elliptical again, but this time you can go at a slow but steady pace, since your heart rate should already be elevated by the jumping jacks and end-of-game anxiety. In the aforementioned interest of always wanting to root for the Mariners’ success, here’s a treat: If the M’s have a lead at the start of the ninth inning in an away game, you may stop your workout at the end of the eighth inning. However, if they end up blowing the save you must do 24 burpees, and with each one you must shout out the name of a Mariners reliever, past or present, to cleanse the collective baseball soul.
Congratulations, you’ve survived the Mariners game workout routine!
**On a real life note, today marks the beginning of our 30-day #Miles4RISP challenge, wherein I pledged to run a mile for every Mariner runner stranded in scoring position. If you’re not keen on running, you’re welcome to substitute it with push-ups, crunches, pull ups, laps, etc. We’ll be keeping track of the tallies on Twitter each night, as well as in the game charts. It’s our way of turning a very frustrating negative into a positive, and at the end we’ll hopefully have some sort of meet up to celebrate.
This is also a great opportunity to remind you all to sign up for Lookout Landing’s team for the Refuse to Abuse 5k. You can read more about the event in an earlier post here, and the super quick and easy place to sign up is here.
Work it out, Ms!