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Mariners lose in spectacular fashion

Déjà ewwwww

MLB: Spring Training-Chicago Cubs at Seattle Mariners
smile thru the pain, skip
Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

Unsatisfied with the 9-2 drubbing they took from the Angels yesterday, today the Mariners told us to hold their beer and proceeded to lose to the Brewers by... I don’t know, I’m typing this in the seventh, and it’s a basketball score to a soccer score. [UPDATE: 24 to 3! Spring training needs a mercy rule.] Here’s how it went down, by Mariners pitcher.

Hisashi Iwakuma: 2.2 IP, 6 H, 7 R, 2 BB, 0 K. 2 back-to-back home runs. This is fine.

Evan Scribner: .1 IP, 1 H, 1 R, 1 BB, 1 K. This line doesn’t look as bad as this third of an inning was, so allow me to narrate. Manny Piña, first pitch swinging, doubled to score the run. O’Malley then booted a ball at short, allowing Eric “Harry Potter” Sogard to reach (because he wears glasses, get it? Isn’t that a clever nickname?). Then Sogard stole second, and while Mike Freeman was complaining to the umpire “hey that’s our thing,” Manny Piña, who is not a fast man, stole home. Scribner then walked Broxton before striking out Travis Shaw, except Ruiz couldn’t handle the pitch so Shaw got to first. Scribner would get a flyout from Braun to end the inning but not before he crushed a ball that could have easily been a salami, except it ran foul. Have you ever heard someone say “we get along like a house on fire?” This is supposed to be a good and fun thing. But at the end of the day, you have a house on fire. This is a metaphor.

Next up was Ryan Weber, Kid Pitcher.

Seattle Mariners Photo Day Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

His line: .1 IP, 8 H, 8 R, 1 HR. Poor adorable Ryan Weber.

Then it was minor leaguer Brett Ash’s turn. Ash pitched decently as part of the championship Jackson Generals squad last year. Today was not so decent for him:

1 IP, 5 H, 7 R, 2 BB, 0 K, 1 HR. Brett, I am

Dean Kiekhefer set aside the buckled shoes he was polishing in anticipation of Friday and came in to do some long relief, which is a role I think he’s well-suited for, because this is his Intimidating Pitcher Face:

Aw, Deano. Kieks went 1.2 innings with 3 H and 1 ER and a K, which might not look like a sparkling line on another day but today looks downright refreshing.

In brighter news, Marc Rzepczynski and Nick Hagadone each came in and delivered scoreless innings; Hagadone looked especially sharp, not allowing a hit and striking out two.

In less bright news, the Mariners weren’t able to muster anything offensively for the first six innings, outside of a first-inning Ben Gamel home run, which made this game feel like it was headed in an entirely different direction. But, to conclude on a brighter note, we finally got to see Daniel Vogelbach’s power tool in action. Well, I mean we could if every single MLB camera wasn’t aimed at Tim Tebow today. I also can’t give you any good info on what kind of a pitch it was, or where it was located, because apparently the Brewers play in a cardboard box, but I can tell you that the at-bat proceeded like this: Vogey got himself into an 0-2 count by swinging at the first two pitches. Nick Ramirez then tried to tempt him into chasing something, but Vogdor wasn’t having it and was able to work the count full, forcing Ramirez to throw him something decent that he tattooed for a two-run, opposite field home run. I’ve been saying that Vogelbach is a man with a plan at the plate, and new LL “weird photoshops” expert Tee Miller indulged me with this beauty, which I will now offer up to you as a prize for reading all the way through this recap of this horrible game:

Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet in the batter’s box.

I know it wasn’t Roosevelt who said “speak softly and carry a big stick” but maybe it should have been part of the plan:

Tomorrow, James Paxton takes the mound, and will look to reverse this unpleasant tide. In Pax we trust.