Satire

Mariners Photo Day 2017

All right, class, it’s photo day, so let’s roll out some superlatives

By Zach Milkis, John Trupin, and Kate Preusser Feb 25, 2017, 9:00am PST

Seattle Mariners Photo Day — when the jokes are so bad you don’t want to hear them

The Mariners had their annual photo shoot the other day and everyone looks so grown up and handsome and we know they will make us all very proud someday soon.

Here are a few of the best and brightest from the class of 2017.

Tuffy Gosewisch

Most likely to have time traveled to this photo shoot from the middle of an at-bat against Walter Johnson.

Kyle Seager

Most likely to be a good boy, who’s a good boy, you’re a good boy, yes you are.

Tony Zych

Most likely to have moonlighted as a pyro demolition expert in the Muppets universe.

Those eyes.

Dan Vogelbach

Most likely to accept your compliment on his egg white frittata while thinking to himself, “damn right it was delicious.”

Ryan Weber

Most likely to actually be starring in a Disney movie titled “Kid Pitcher.”

Carlos Ruiz

Most likely to accost a pitcher mid-mound visit for stealing his neck while he was sleeping.

Steve Cishek

Most likely to disappear when turned completely sideways. Also, most likely to have stolen an extra neck.

Hisashi Iwakuma

Dog proudest of the dead mouse he brought into the house, just for you.

Mel Stottlemyre

Most likely be slowly erased from the family photo in a Back to the Future movie.

James Paxton

Most likely to be not mad at you, just disappointed.

Mike Freeman

Most likely to have a perfectly rehearsed elevator pitch for Ubeer, the beer-delivery app he and his buddy are developing.

Jonathan Aro

Most likely to be Picasso’s self-portrait wearing a beard necklace.

Ben Gamel

Most likely to be Shae Simmons with some extra hair pinned under his cap, trying to double his odds of making the 25-man.

Taylor Motter

Most likely to be mistaken for Ben Gamel.

Jean Segura

Most likely to bet you’re too chicken, huh? You won’t actually eat that, ya scaredy-cat, will you? Yeah, he knew it.

Nevin Ashley

Most likely to be happily married to his wife named “Ashley Ashley.” (Which is somehow a fact that we did not make up.)

Scott Servais

Most likely to give you a stern talking-to and then send you to your room before going to the local pub and crushing a few brews with his buddies from the Coast Guard.