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Lookout Landing’s (weird) 2017 predictions

Other than, you know, going to the playoffs

Toronto Blue Jays v Seattle Mariners
All of these Blue Jays were out
Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

When I first asked this question of the staff, what their goofiest prediction for 2017 would be, I expected answers like 12 run comebacks or 15 inning games (2016 was so very, very weird). Instead we have predictions about facial hair, nudity, and esoteric musings. Baseball is weird, but so are we all. Hello, and weLLcome back to Lookout Landing.

Anders Jorstad

Dan Altavilla will be the team's closer and will also have the most facial hair on the team by the end of the season.

Ben Thoen

A pitcher pinch runs for the Mariners.

Kate Preusser

It is August 27. The Mariners are nine games in on their extended east coast trip, with three more games to go in Baltimore before they get on a plane to come home. The team meets for breakfast in the hotel before their day game at Yankee Stadium. James Paxton stares down at his ninth cup of plain Greek yogurt topped with a sprinkling of dry oatmeal and slightly dented orange. "Screw this," he mutters, and heads for the waffle iron.

Zach Milkis

After Jarrod Dyson is caught stealing home in the waning innings of a crucial divisional game, typically stoic Scott Servais taps into 49 years worth of repressed rage and unleashes his inner Lou Piniella, shouting obscenities at umpires, chucking bases into the stands, and fashioning a to-scale diorama of the contested play on top of home plate out of barrel weights and chaw. He has to be restrained by Dan Vogelbach, Nelson Cruz, and the Mariner Moose, before returning to clubhouse to cool down with a tallboy of Rainier and a book on tape of Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist.

The following inning, Yovani Gallardo completes his perfect game.

Amanda Lane

Dan Vogelbach will turn an unassisted triple play, forever silencing critics of his athleticism.

Andrew Rice

Following in the footsteps of the 2007 version of Jeff Weaver and the 2013 version of Aaron Harang, Yovani Gallardo will inexplicably throw two complete-game shutouts while having an otherwise lousy season. Baseball doesn’t make sense.

Grant Bronsdon

The Seattle Mariners will have a home game delayed due to weather-related events. Whether the Safeco Field roof gets stuck, a torrential storm halts transportation to the stadium, or thunder and lightning cause the game to pause while they close the roof, there will be some sort of delay due to Mother Nature.

John Trupin

Jarrod Dyson will have a safety squeeze with Mitch Haniger on third base, and in the ensuing confusion Leonys Martín will score all the way from second base, narrowly avoiding the tag, as Dyson proceeds to take second, and then third.

Zach Sanders

There will be 5x more tackled streakers at Safeco than Jarrod Dyson homers.